When I take my evening walks around the building, I often spend time introspecting on how to keep myself positive and motivated when there are many things that pull me down during the day.
Could be a rude comment, a remark pointing a flaw, stress at work, my son not listening to me when I tell him to do something, not feeling appreciated for what I do, for all that I do.....and then I wonder how can I let someone, something affect me so easily.
Could I not be stronger? Can I not be a little thick skinned, indifferent? Can I get out of this swirl of attachment, fear & anger... infact I thought about it...Im perhaps attached to very few things..or maybe not? But I operate in the fear zone almost always--which is not often related to attachment- but of something going wrong.
So is this because Im always attached to "I want this to go fine". Its all too confusing at times. I found this quote that pretty much hit home!
I took a deep breath and thought... what am I grateful for today...
1) That i'm healthy and capable of doing my OWN WORK MYSELF
2) My son is "normal" and "neurotypical" and is able to navigate the world ON HIS OWN
3) Today my parents dont 'need me' and are capable of managing on THEIR OWN
4) I am able to fend for myself and not depend on anyone financially and to a large extent emotionally and physically
This is pretty much it ! What is needed for myself to be grateful for life really. Rest of it...will happen. Life cant be perfect. If I keep trying to chase that perfect world, it will elude me more.
I cant think more right now. Im tired. I will go to bed. Im glad im able to do things on my own. The significance of which I dont want to understand by falling into a state when I have to depend on someone. Today every time I compare myself and my life to someone else's and think ..Wish I had a cook, wish I had a help...let me perhaps tell myself..by doing it myself what I avoid..
a. Worrying about whether or when the person or help will come
b. What to tell the person to do.. something to monitor
Instead treat anything given to me as duty and do what I can to the best of my ability. Value systems around me need not match. I am who I am and I will not take anyone or anything with me to my grave. Let me take the best version of myself.
I loved this picture I came across of Buddha looking at a full moon. I hope to paint it someday.
