All's well.....

Dear Daddy,

You know the state Im in now...preparing for that Director interview..its all so confusing to be honest...over the last couple of months, Im having a strange vision of a future without me chasing this hustle, this corporate bshit..(again im not taking away all that you have graced me with)..but Im really seeing a world where I can be more calm, more with myself and more at peace...without excessively breaking my head about what others think of me, of what I say etc..I just want financial independence..maybe I work that out? Can you help me work that out....

Its interesting that Im thinking of this at a time Im preparing for these interviews....hence feels like unsettling in a way..I was telling chikki this, this morning and he said just one line "in that case, next 2 yrs work with all your heart..." . I was a bit taken aback...I asked him, what do you mean by that. and he said "work really hard and collect money"...I was even more taken aback..I asked him...but what have I been doing for the last 16 yrs...he said.".No..you did work because you had to..but now do it with your heart, not mind"....WOW...so deep...he is the BEST...you I mean kutta..your the best..you surprise me every single time with your magical words

I am telling myself a few things 

1. I have enough...rather..I will also take stock..but I feel I do

2. Nobody has figured shit out- why am I BREAKING my head about what others think of me

3. I am enough myself...I DONT NEED to look perfect...

4. Let me be in the moment...not in a FUTURE

5. I have always got what I deserve and at times, it feels MORE than what I deserve.

6. NOTHING IN WHAT I DO..ABSOLUTELY NOTHING..is critical or anything worth giving my health and mental well being

God, Iv never WANTED anything..other than my peace of mind....PLEASE keep me calm....I love you dearly Daddy..love you

Daddy- Aug 4th 2026---- by Aug 4th 2028 I want to move on to a new chapter . Help me 🙏

My dear son- we will get more time together

Dear Kuttu

I simply love the chats with you. I love the Q "Mumma shall we go for a walk"....and your constant "Tell something na..." OR "today we did not have one particular topic"......these walks are precious..this time is priceless

I know some of the discussions we have had recently, around my potential new Director role.....and your very simple questions like " Do you really have to take it...why do you ....we have enough money no....are u going to be spending less time with me".... or your answer to my Q on " Kutta what would be your kind of perfect life/the way you'd like to live/ how you'd like your parents to be"..to which you said " Id like to live in a bungalow, with 2 floors, my mother should not be working and my father to be a doctor or a Software engineer"....

Hmm...all this makes my heart heavy- at a time when I also feel overwhelmed at work, not trusting my own abilities and feeling a huge sense of impostor. I remember we spoke on 6th Sept or so...that maybe in another 2 yrs I retire from Google..and I saw the GLEE on your face... Its stamped quite 'vividly' :) 

You keep giving me feedback saying I should spend more time & cried the other day for just giving you ten minutes of the day...but when I spend time with you, you dont callout saying I did...you had again a very simple perspective to it..."Mumma when ur there- im just in the moment..happy...hence i dont think all that".. 💕💕😘😘 my cutie pie..ur the CUTEST

Love you kutta..I hope i balance life better and get to live the moments i keep having in my head....

ur the most iv loved anybody and I ever will. 

Love mumma

You wanted to Twin like Thatha and loved his shirt 💖

Small things and so precious!

Omg! I got these cutest videos of my chikki and I have been watching them non stop multiple times. 

My dear son- cant believe you've grown so much. Please dont grow so fast 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And just now look at these cutieeee pie videos

Happiness is what your mind talks to you

They say whatever happens around you..can continue to...but how your mind reacts and shapes your mood---determines your own reactions to the situation. This is so true.... You know what...I got my new car yesterday...nothing that Im happy or anything ; I am grateful thats all and amazed at how much God lets me 'have it' all. Just pure gratitude. Like sometimes I am in awe--at how blessed I can get. I hope I dont ever take all this for granted..ever. 

I was constantly asked ..party party...frankly nothing excites me. I dont know God...im sorry. I feel burntout-- I dont want to use such words.. but I do feel that way. I really do. I am feeling burnt out of this constant living 'under threat' mindset..I read somewhere my mind has the same reaction to everything at times...like a cheetah is after me. Its unable to distinguish. 

Im not trying to use /reinforce such theory upon me...but somehow I feel like accepting it, because this is highly similar to how I feel 

Today morning it felt another 'attempt' to go out for breakfast...So much of chaos- Nirvaan not wanting to go to a place...S I think at some level not wanting to go at all.... you know what God....I DONT WANT to go anywhere...I want to be happy with where I am...ironical..I HAVE EVERYTHING...we have EVERYTHING..EVERY DAMN THING..and then there is no smile, there is barking all around..chaos...shouting... I dont want anything God....If I ever 'ask' you for anything..remind me God..that I dont need anything...

I dont want to go out anywhere unhappy. somehow God nothing gives me excitement-- maybe somewhere I feel this is all an illusion......

Happiness is a state of mind

Not when we get something or not

Not when we have something or not

It is a state of calm 

Knowing that you are enough, you have more than enough

and that I will finally not take anything along with me

And Yet again.....and for what

Yet again lost my cool with my kuttu..UNNECESSARILY..TOTALLY..ALWAYS this is the feeling... he is going to be a flicker in my life...the one that keeps my heart yearning for more and I end up messing up with that....I seek forgiveness....and I need help God...to control myself...to remind myself that...

1. This work ...what I do... I will be replaced

2. I am SUCH AN INSIGNIFICANT person in the scheme of things- but an important one for my son

3. Life is TRULY short ..happiness is what is TODAY..my parents alive..my chikki near me..always

4. There is NO LOSS NOR WIN...in life..we are all going to LOSE..all going to GIVE UP and GO

5. God has given me MORE THAN enough....I have a working body, I have good health...I am ENOUGH...I AM MORE THAN I can be

I prostrate at your lotus feet ..Om Sri Sainatha Namah....to this day when I cried asking your help. Keep me in your control

Kindness & Karma

I read somewhere that's its easy to be rude, tough to be kind. The world will be better to live in, if we are kind to each other.

I feel I fall so flat here- my tempers are always on the rise, I feel burnt out and I let myself feel so- because work is the only thing I fall back on 'for myself' ; for 'my identity' ; for my 'independence'..... but its having an impact Im sure on my kuttu-- on whom I get pissed off quite easily---- cause Im also tired and I dont get a 'confidence-giving' ecosystem of 'dont worry- we will figure it out 'together' '- Its almost always- ok dont do if u dont want to / or I would not do it if I were you..... but so many years.....so many...i have worked ..worked v v hard........given the family a roof to stay in peacefully....given much comfort to my son......... I dont know God....why do I seek validation on this...not validation, but acknowledgment.... I thought I had got better....well I have got better, but situations come and remind me otherwise. 

Im sorry to my son- I shout a lot in my tiredness....for what...bringing up my angst of someone else on his small soul. Im sorry God..Im truly sorry. 

I know we shouldnt expect- I will try not to- Let karma take its course.. I will let it be. 

How people treat me, is their choice! Kuttu well done too

I read this somewhere or heard in some reel - that how people treat me is their choice. Thats true...and the person goes onto say, it can be due to various deficiencies in people. Vitamin D- D for Divinity, Vitamin W- W for wisdom, Vitamin I for Emotional intelligence. I cant control my uncontrollables. Hence need to let it be. 

My kuttu is the cutest. on Friday after a long drawn discussion on why I couldn't make it to the afternoon building lunch--- he tells me "Mumma you do what you want ..why do you care".. then goes onto ask "Should I make anything for you to eat" ... "Maybe you have nuts...what they gave in the flight"...

Kutta your the nicest. Im sure you will grow up to be a gentleman ! 💕💞 

Kutta you did so well in your 5th final exams. Superb marks !! You worked hard and the fact that you cared for your performance showed !!

To celebrate this amazing work- we got you a small gift. Hope you enjoy reading !

I am work in progress

Dear Chikki

I love you a lot ..you know that. I think but there is a side of me you wish you had more of...my calm self, giving you more time, more (?!) attention....somehow I know I am not doing a great job there. 

I recall asking you sometime back...tell me what would be 1 thing you'd want from your mother..and you said "She be present when I return from school"... 😢. I know that feeling. I have been privileged to have that luxury with my mother at home ALWAYS available. ALWAYS. with some banana shake, popcorn or something that Id look forward to. She would walk to Bun World and by sponge cake and chips. I recall the aluminium dabba it would be kept in and she would hide one more extra packet in the kitchen. 

And..yeah some days ..maybe many days when u walk in chikki im not at home. Im sorry. I really am. I need my work..I need to work...to give you some other things...things I dont need to depend asking someone for..things that I can buy without feeling guilty..things that I can spend on when u just ask me for it....and to just feel financially free da. Without this job, I dont think I can do that.

Also you told me 2-3 things that stuck with me

1. If I can change my job and do something less demanding

2. If I can get to a lower level- whether thats even a possibility !💞🥰

hmmmm...I know I can do better da... I will try. I am work in progress. I will always give my best to you...atleast I want to