The blessings I have

Dear God

This week has been a different one. I was told yesterday about the new role, nothing surprising or nothing I did not know- but somewhere BEING TOLD brings some conclusion to the tentativeness....but.....in the middle of this all, that Saikat discussion still niggles..there is some itch to get that role reporting to him (again nothing so revolutionary there ! but just the fact that I was wanted by someone)...urghh...God this is called greed right... I dont know...its like being shown that carrot and then its been taken away for a bit (i hope only for a bit)... God ..let me constantly remind myself of the so many things going well...SO many...im screwing myself over unnecessarily...there is so much stress I feel in my body that it's a bit stupid and exhausting..and all this for what????? Really ....

No one will come to my rescue

No one will even really care if Im unwell, sick, or absent

Why am I screwing personal relationships at home?

Which takes me to, the big argument yesterday morning...that I dont agree to that, that I dont make coffee soon enough , I need to be repeatedly told .....It just keeps reminding me of 'something not enough'....but Im also giving the permission to feel that way. 

I met that old man and lady couple in the building last evening and oh boy! were they not irritated with their families...disappointed..annoyed at their upbringing....Im happy I was able to bring in some cheer...

Which takes me to...who really is happy?? Content rather....happy with themselves.. Why is there ALWAYS a "I am not enough" syndrome within me...always looking for perspective to fill myself up and for someone to keep reminding me, that Im good, im the best...sick !

IF EVERY aspect of my life is a MEASURE OF HOW BETTER I am THAN someone else...its a terrible life...as per what Sadhguru was saying too...

and then last evening my kuttu continues to surprise and show me kindness with this 💕💝

Kuttu's musings!

 His observations this morning 😘😍💖

"Mumma..How come Girija periammai is rich, while we are not" ; A few days ago he had told the same about Anu periammai..and I asked him, why does he think she is rich. He said, "because she has a big house..it has stairs inside and all..a fancy car.." 😆

"Mumma, when we are younger age difference matters, after we grow old it doesnt...like when Arjun and me are adults, he cant boss over me like he does these days" 🤣

"Mumma i think im kinda waiting more for Anu periammai to come than Girija periammai..but GP is kinda old no"

and then this video pops up from when he is young...look at him not answer at the school point. !! 

Gratitude reminder

So many good things gone by this week.

It started with Sunday. Celebrated Renuka cook's son's birthday and I was so touched by so many gestures

a) She so generously prepared so much food to eat- such a small house but such a big heart

b) There was so much cheer and happiness in her face despite water not coming frequently ; a possibility of TV snapping off given connection will depend on her internet bandwidth ; an owner who sits on her head and doesnt allow her to fill water

c) She having 3 children to take care off with a husband who left her and went

Such is life...... we cant decide what cards we are dealt with, but how we deal with them will make all the difference

I was immensely pleased with my kuttu's gesture too in her house. so so understanding, observant of everything around. I cant be more grateful of the 'gentleman' he is growing up to be. God bless you my dear. My you ALWAYS have a big heart and a kind mind...this is grossly lacking in our world today. We need more of you....Im so happy I have you in my life. 

Aside this, one of my cherished moments ..clearing my bank loan within about 2 years. Im immensely grateful to God and my parents and to a selfless husband who encouraged me to keep paying it off. I know God none of this I carry above- this is all material...but it gives me some bit of self worth and financial freedom perhaps and above all just a reminder that soooo many things are going well in my life. 

a) I have a house which I could repay a loan of within 2 years

b) My parents are alive!

c) I have a sister who cares so much

d) The best-est gift of my life is healthy, a good boy and above all kind in all respects

e) I am healthy and I have whatever it takes to have a healthy life

God let me not be petty

Let me embrace change- if I have to die anyways...let me die effectively..not due to frustration & depression

Let me STOP this pursuit of wanting to be correct & liked by people...WHO THE HELL WILL CARE if Im not around..these people wont....let me not lose my health around them at all

God pls keep me grounded and in check

Daddy I love you a lot