Self Love

It's perhaps a topic I should get writing about...given I started this about mid April...gave up half way just posting the title ! and today (May 8th) I had the impetus to write about it. It's needing of some attention at my end then....

I am grateful to myself for all that I do....for the love I show...for the help I render..for the conscience that I rest on. Many people will come and go in my life..some leaving a good impression and some not so good...but I should remember at the end of the day..its an impression...and I have the ability to wipe it. I have tried therapy to feel good about myself...and I am proud..because I care about myself. Let me care a bit more.

For all those days when I have left feeling...do I have confidence? who will give me so? I do feel the need for someone to put their hand over my shoulders and tell me "its going to be ok"....i have not heard it in a long while. For the days I struggle to wake at times to wonder will I be able to be myself..happy and cheerful and helpful and ever ready to do more for others..... You give me little love and I will give you a lot...but one needs a recipient for this too...and if there are none..then I need to tell myself...Its ok..you have been ok...you will be ok.

Its not about materialistic desires..financial support... its the wanting for someone around me to be kind..to give respect..to hear me out..I do have faults..I do have weaknesses..but Im certain Im not manipulative..neither am I selfish..I can go beyond ...but then I am hoping & depending for someone...but Aruna..when have you ? 

Its not that dependence is bad..but every vivid memory of someone making me feel terrible..someone not realising my true worth...makes me pause and feel...is my love worth it? Is my effort worth it? is this all making sense? And should my love be even a 'worth'..maybe not :) Maybe the words that my Balavihar teacher once told really matters- Dont have any expectations and life will be fine. So let love too not have expectations and I build the muscle to not want to be reciprocated. For...I cant change who others are, I can only try to be a better version of who I am

I look upto you Daddy..its been long since I wrote to you...i thought you're there for me..like you're free-er than God..to help me.. do take care of me and I will need your blessings.

And the below photo was in one of Los Angeles's beaches...I took a long walk post office and I recall a long chat too with my friend..we discussed a bit of life, a bit of lack of respect we face and how we surmounted life's challenges as we grew up...this too shall pass ..is what we told each other

I thank whatever gods may be.....For my unconquerable soul.

 Proud of you my dear girl

I have gone through life like anyone else, seeking that pat on my back for a job well done. I guess I still yearn for those validations at work (read office). But it's not necessary one always gets it across life's sphere. Today as I complete 7 years at Google, I am grateful to a lot in life. This job has given me many things- not just money. 1) It reminds me everyday that there is a part of life that values me (however fake that valuing might be) 2) It keeps me busy and tired enough to keep other issues in my mind at bay 3) It above all gives me independence or to put it the freedom to not depend on anyone. However this isn't just what makes me or work is not the only lever demanding my physical and mental attention, There is so much else I pack in a day that there are so many days that go by in a blur moving from one piece of activity to another and I dont stop by to be a bystander to my own effort. I want to thank myself today and be kind to myself for "keeping at it" 

Thank you dear Aruna for..

• The motivation to wake up after a late night to bed post work 
• To get your son ready for his school on time, with a glass of milk, bath and breakfast done for him
• To inculcate our God fearing culture in him and helping him understand the value of prayer by making him pray everyday
• To get a well done breakfast ready for the family, however it may be received 
• To prepare lunch before I get ready
• To start work on time pretty much everyday
• To ensure your son is fed a good lunch on time
• To ensure I attend my meetings on time and deliver to my work commitments
• To keeping your house maid comfortable in life with the many small things you do for her
• To ensuring your son does his school work and is well set for his school responsibilities by teaching him
• To program manage all things at home around groceries/ snacks and paying bills where needed
• To taking late night calls with as much commitment as I could possibly do
• To ensuring I pursue my hobbies- singing, mridangam and painting and explore a side of mine that I enjoy
• To keeping in touch with loved ones and making them feel special with gifts that I buy generously

This is all my tired mind could remember now... Proud of you Aruna. If there's one thing you dont tell yourself often is that- YOU CAN DO IT.  YOU HAVE done it...for YOURSELF :) Life aint easy for anyone. One thing that you have told yourself is YOU NEED TO MAKE LIFE SPECIAL for yourself and remind yourself that YOUR mind makes or breaks you. 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
   And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
   And never breathe a word about your loss.......

Small things....

A well spent Sunday- trying to sketch and to keep my mind busy like the bug- rather away from unwanted negative thoughts. Did not realize that I would be pleasantly surprised with the output! Life is about doing something- something that makes it feel worthwhile-either to yourself or to others. A day spent doing nothing makes me feel really frustrated. Glad I could get down to do this. Grateful for small blessings -time, energy, frame of mind & good health

Pausing.....

It's been a great deal of time gone by, never to return. I sometimes wonder who am I through these years. The constant thought of what defines me? They say -How you face a situation is more important than what the situation is? I evaluate myself through this yardstick and wonder how did I fare? There have been a myriad of situations- professionally, personally, leaving me feel very tired. Tired of battling it out, judging myself, holding myself accountable and feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Dumbledore's words -Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light seems false. I dont think there is light....or maybe I cant find it. 

Over the years i've lost more than I've gained. I've lost my confidence, my inner voice rarely talks to me, i'm unable to find meaning in many things that I do....life seems to be just pushing me ahead and I move on goalless & without purpose. Where am I? What am I? What defines me? I wish some answers unfold, showing me the light. For now, I have hope- in good action, in karma. Someday sometime- this will all make sense- the dots will connect....I do my duty

Zero Expectations!

March 31st 2015 and my dad completed his 17 years of service in one single organization which also marked the end of his professional life. 66 years of age today, he has spent close to 38 years of his life working. These 38 years have seen their highs and lows-marked by personal challenges along with professional battles. There was not one day he could make 'choices', the flexibility we youngsters have today. He had only ONE way. He had to work, to make life happen for us. I am so proud today to have been part of his journey. I may have not helped him in anyway, but I have learnt a lot from him. The need to commit oneself and give the best to what one takes up.

Happy to see him start on another journey now, it only saddened me to know none of the folks in his senior management team turned up for his farewell. I dont know about their personal rifes/agendas/biases if any. We all have our short-comings, egoes that we confront others with, but I can say hand over heart his effort has been an unsullied one. 

Today I write a note to his team about how I felt....a frank voice. I dont care if it's heard or not. Its just my voice.

Dear Sir,

Wishes for this year and hope all is great at your end !!

This is my first communication to you and to someone who has also played a pivotal role by accepting the services of my father for the last 17 years. Your far experienced eye and seniority by age makes me rather anxious as I put my thoughts down here. I begin with due apologies if the intent of this mail does not bear well with you. It is only a humble attempt to put forth a daughter's naive perspective. 

I'd prefer starting on a very upbeat note of THANKING YOU!  for all your support in the last 17 years of my dad's employment with Kumar Organics. We as kids have grown up without any perceivable difficulty, thanks to this employment.
What began as a 'job', 'necessity' for him way back in 1998, when I was just in my 7th standard, has today ended as his career and the nucleus of the prime years of his life. I don't wish to draw empathy here- however be it my mother's sickness that he battled bravely or ensuring there was no shortfall in our upbringing, I cannot recall one day when he flinched or compromised in his commitment to Kumar Organics. We ridiculed him at times in our naivety, asking if he had a life beyond KOP or whether he was indispensable! Sleepless nights, precious saturdays which we wished to spend with him, very short holidays because "work is more important', was all that defined him.

All of 13 years in my 7th standard you were perhaps my dad's 'boss'. Today having completed my education, getting worthy enough of working in a company and starting to shoulder the responsibility of a family, I cannot but understand the value an employer brings to one's life. My happiness at work is not determined by the salary I earn, but by my colleagues who surround me and most importantly by my seniors. Effort be put, acknowledgment by my seniors goes a really long way in building my happiness and contentment quotient. 

When my dad told me about his retirement, I was most excited with the prospect of his seniors, including you ("Mr. UK Singh" had become part of our dictionary since young!!)  being a part of HIS day!  Something that WE as family are so proud of ! At this juncture I wish to convey my dismay to hear your absence at the Start of his new innings! I wish to give you the benefit of doubt and believe something of more pressing need would have made you give his important day a pass. However, apologies if we expected you to convey the same to him over some mode of communication.

I have nothing more to say since words are few to convey any disappointment. I for once felt my belief system getting challenged. My belief that Goodness and Hardwork is always rewarded with respect. I hope to take it in my stride as a lesson learnt.

On this note, I wish you great luck and hope that your daughter/son does not face the disappointment that I did. May they be truly proud one day to see you finish a stellar professional and personal life amidst people who mattered to you !!

Yours respectfully,

Aruna Ranganathan

Irrespective of who turned up or not I am proud of you Pappa !! Cheers to good health and happiness ahead !!

Time has gone by.....has happiness too?

As days pass by, just as how today closes itself I try to make peace with who I am, what I do and why I do what I do. I look forward to a night of restful sleep mindless of what is in store for me tomorrow. I look forward to feeling happier. Yes, I agree happiness is a state of mind. But training the mind to find happiness is daunting, especially when happiness is linked to expectations; fulfilling a want or desire. It's our ego talking, if we believe it isn't linked to one. Take any aspect of your lives and vet it against this parameter.

We seek intervention and pray. But aren't we again negotiating with the higher power to fulfill a desire? "Just let this happen...and I will forever remain faithful to you". I am tired as I write this. I wonder why I work and work so hard. For what? I recall my childhood.. As a 4 year old I remember my mother getting unwell and taken to a hospital.As a 6 year old I remember my parents waking up at 4a.m to fill water since it only came then. As an 8 year old I recall, I had just one 'extra' shoe apart from my school shoes. I had to take part in a school program and the teacher asked us to wear one of those 'fancy heeled shoes'. I asked my parents and was upset being told that the existing one would be polished and that I could use that. As a 12 year old I recall my dad having a conversation with me by a roadside shop "My job isn't going great, I may have to probably leave it. I am worried and I don't know whether I will have the money to be able to fulfill your little desires. Sorry if may not be able to...but I will try". Every alternate year of my childhood I recall my mom falling ill. My parents have worked very very hard to get me to where I am. Nothing has transpired easy.....there have been numerous challenges...but I managed to find my way out..I managed to find happiness! I managed well...to feel happier! Yes in a comparative sense...compared to what I am today. And I wonder why so? I am financially fine, have adequate 'materialism' to support a good lifestyle...still...there is no peace of mind... I don't have the strength to find happiness.

And I wonder why so?Maybe some answers here?

Money doesn't buy happiness

A job doesn't give it too

It doesn't come through name or fame

For at the end, it's all the same

What mattered perhaps was Time
Time spent with someone who mattered

To share some love and make life better

For at the end, we all live for what?

When rich or poor, success or failure...all comes to naught

Cocktail- Season 0

There have been a spate of English serials- popularly called sitcoms in the past few years-classified into multi-genres- comedy/ sci-fi/ hospital/ murder/ family etc.etc.The building unit of each of them is termed a ‘season’ and it’s always intrigued the glued mind to discover each of them- discuss which provided the kick and deliberate on the eventuality of those to unfold.  Popularized widely by the much acclaimed “Friends” sitcom, the ‘season’ jargon has formed a part of my (ok-our :) ) vocabulary post marriage! In retrospect, the pre-marriage phase too was a season of its own, marked by its own milestones. So, our sitcom i christen as Cocktail. Yeah...yeah..the cliched meaning holds! It signifies a melange of events, thought-provoking highlights, effusive demonstrations of care, ego-clashes, clarifications and momentary-resolute stances for way-forward. It's just my conjecture that all of this would sound a bit too alien to anyone reading....hopefully sans my husband! If he does too, then it's  'Tough Racket' to me ;)

I have often been apprehended for "talking in frameworks".Well, that's what i get bread & butter for doing 5 days a week; so it's befriended my vocabulary as well ! Hence, each season i approach under 3 broad heads of "Current Affairs" "Weather Update" and "Head-lines". Not wholly self-explanatory- so to elaborate

 

Current affairs - Gives the gist of the season. The highlights  transcendental landmarks reached if any
Weather-update- A sneak peak into the deluge of eeemoshons ( will be clarified in a later season) that drove the season
Head-lines-  "Words" | "Phrases" | "lines" that got entrenched in our vocabulary for the season

Disclaimer: All characters in this are purely real. Resemblance to.......blah blah......do i need to complete this?

Presenting to you- COCKTAIL
Actors: C & R -to simplify life have termed the protagonists as mere alphabets- the guy-C, the girl-R (oh it has some-cheesy, lovey-dovey, sweet-nothings reason behind it )
Directed : Naturally
Produced: Currently free of cost. Hoping... i don't pay a price for this in future ;) 

Pre-Courtship season/ Season 0:

Current affairs:

A heady start even before the cocktail is consumed; a swift cadence of mood-alleviating hormones;  making everything seem perfect!

C couldn't possibly get anything wrong at all, ( neither could R ? :). Every whatsapp ping, checking "last seen at" ( at an interval of almost every 5 min) ,  every sms beep, "oh- just a sec, getting a call from C" ( R tries her best to conceal the complimentary smile that comes along with it)-   it's  all about connecting,  trying (not hard really) to be the quintessential "cool couple" who have honestly truly found the right match in each other. C'mon-only the 'love-marriage" category types needn't "feel" these privileges! R is all drooling about her catch...the tall handsome C, smart, sophisticated in his approach; a charmer-mingles well with family and friends alike. His voice sounds grown-up, mature and most professional- very suited for those cosy evening tete-a-tete's over a cuppa tea watching the sun set, talking about life, career, future et al. C on his part has diagnosed R rather well! Kudos..all in a short span of time. Doesn't make the atypical guy moves- fast/ desperate/ chauvinistic / trying & buying to please- (in retrospection ) has been himself  ! ( a good supposition that R fell into the trap of believing that this was C's tactic to take on Pre-courtship). R is intrigued at his dispassionate- yet-an sms every single day/a call every evening- approach :). Trips are planned to meet each other's folks and the icing on the cake is C swooping in to meet R in her terrain. Not once- but thrice! A 'planned' surgeon meeting' , 'need to meet a friend before she leaves for US", and a third 'i really don't recall" excuse to spend some cosy fleeting time together. To R, each visit was like a celebrity coming over to her soil. The preparations that went into the visit were aplenty- ranging from a previous sleepless night, to buying a teddy bear worth 200/- albeit aware of its future residence behind a curtain on a dust-laden window sill, to reaching the airport a good 1 hr. prior to his arrival. C on his part ( as mentioned earlier) continued to 'act' detached from these trivialities. However couldn't put on this garb for long and played wonderful host to R's visit to his homeland...a candlelit wine & dine in a restaurant followed by abetting in some impetuous spending in a hotel. The major affair of this season was marriage and the run up to it. ( not to forget the subtle mentions of a honeymoon. If R mentioned it- it caused serious 'stress' in the system and if C did it was 'preparation time' , he 'taking the lead' to plan for some fun ahead !! )

Weather update: 

• A realistic, yet cautious,  demonstration of a spectrum of mood hues. 'Sudden' happiness at the thought of 'its finally happening' ; Restlessness driven by job search/ R's urgency to sort it all out immediately; 

• 1st time kicks with the transformation of a vanilla 'good night', to a 'good night sweet dreams', to a [ Do i need to think through a bit more on this before sending..after all he's gonna be my husband] 'good night sweet dreams...hugs and kisses'. No response to R's girl-like illustrations; C instead choosing to see the messages, revert next morning with a pretentiously irrelevant 'hehe' or a 'hey' as if to say , he did not get the intent or couldn't unravel the complicated language used

• A constant check on if the other person has got miffed/ pisssssed with a remark made. If so, to implement some damage-mitigation techniques of a quick-call to check voice quality & other parameters; sending a funny joke/ forward on whatsapp with the expectations of receiving a genuine laughter response ( if not, then other damage mitigation measures to be called for); providing some wedding related updates and checking the pulse

Headlines:

An ebullient usage of 'strangulation'  and 'let's call it off' ( in the context of C feeling stifled at the very thought of signing up for 'that which must not be named' (alias-marriage) , a sauve pronunciation of 'wayykayyshons' and ( what would be an increasingly vexatious usage of) 'in a bit'  - to signify a time frame from now to anytime in infinity

 2 months later- [ like all mega soaps/ serials, the passing of time creates a sense of relief in the viewer that we are now moving to more pertinent matters. Well these 2 months encompassed nothing much- just the wedding and C's splendid planning of  taking the naive , amateur R to waykayshon in phoren land]

.................Courtship Season 1 continues same time next week

Till then.....adios

Grass is indeed green(er) on the other side!

7 months since I last posted any activity on my blog...did I default , by not abiding to some imperceptible rulebook that necessitates I update it diligently on a monthly/weekly basis? The start of a new year did trigger some momentum to initiate a clichéd start to a new post , something on lines of "Another year gone by..." . I did in-fact type it out ,ruminated a while & then decided against taking it forward.For reasons more than one penning my thoughts did take a back seat and gladly so :) I was indeed preoccupied by something much more befitting to give time to! Like... finally crossing over the fence this May 12th and marrying the dude of my liking! The chase, the wait...all culminating to some unforgettable , to-be-well-preserved memories! ( The run upto the big-event , the post event vacation bash all deserving a separate documentation ..as for now Mrs Dumbledore can only transport so much to the Pensieve ! )

Making this decision called Marriage isn’t easy! And it's not a from a girl's lens I write so. It's equally challenging for the dude! Having spent a greater part of your life responsible for YOURself, YOUR emotions, YOUR decisions impacting mainly YOU, it IS a transcending of existing mindset to live with another person. It's not that we lived an alienated life so far. We did have our ecosystems of parents, relatives et al ; We have lived with friends, shared apartments, split bills and concluded that "it was an awesome time"...but 'marriage' somehow does come with some complementary biases :) and biases needn’t necessarily be negative or for that matter wrong! After all, it’s one’s opinion vs. another’s. To live under one roof observing perhaps behavioural patterns that don’t necessarily conform to your set ways could be a likely situation even with the friend you bunk with. However where the difference lies is in expectations! An underlying, obscured expectation from your counterpart that he/she would be able to read into one’s thoughts, understand & probably why not- amend one's ways too! While this sounds undesirable, discussing a similar topic with a friend over drinks, (the stage for best advice to be delivered!) placed some positivity around this. There is nothing wrong in expectations! It signifies a closer relationship, one which can be taken for granted and hence one that gives us most freedom to express as well! We wouldn’t dare be didactic with friends most often. When we begin internalising this good in it, we begin to appreciate her/him much better!

It may sound evangelistic to be summarising ‘way to deal better’ with just 2 months of married life up ….but who cares…there isn’t any etched recipe/timing for a so called successful marriage. It’s about learning by the day & this is my lesson for now J

Summing this up- I recall a prayer which I only said by rote until now. Few lines from it

….. May we live honestly, producing more than what we consume & GIVING MORE than what we take! I believe the latter helps tide over when expectations dont live up :)

For having crossed over the fence, to the other side, casting aside what was a speculation until now, I can say it’s a much Greener side indeed- here’s cheers to my dude & to life ahead with him!!