What matters to me...

When I take my evening walks around the building, I often spend time introspecting on how to keep myself positive and motivated when there are many things that pull me down during the day. 

Could be a rude comment, a remark pointing a flaw, stress at work, my son not listening to me when I tell him to do something, not feeling appreciated for what I do, for all that I do.....and then I wonder how can I let someone, something affect me so easily. 

Could I not be stronger? Can I not be a little thick skinned, indifferent? Can I get out of this swirl of attachment, fear & anger... infact I thought about it...Im perhaps attached to very few things..or maybe not? But I operate in the fear zone almost always--which is not often related to attachment- but of something going wrong. 

So is this because Im always attached to "I want this to go fine". Its all too confusing at times. I found this quote that pretty much hit home!

I took a deep breath and thought... what am I grateful for today...

1) That i'm healthy and capable of doing my OWN WORK MYSELF

2) My son is "normal" and "neurotypical" and is able to navigate the world ON HIS OWN

3) Today my parents dont 'need me' and are capable of managing on THEIR OWN

4) I am able to fend for myself and not depend on anyone financially and to a large extent emotionally and physically

This is pretty much it ! What is needed for myself to be grateful for life really. Rest of it...will happen. Life cant be perfect. If I keep trying to chase that perfect world, it will elude me more. 

I cant think more right now. Im tired. I will go to bed. Im glad im able to do things on my own. The significance of which I dont want to understand by falling into a state when I have to depend on someone. Today every time I compare myself and my life to someone else's and think ..Wish I had a cook, wish I had a help...let me perhaps tell myself..by doing it myself what I avoid..

a. Worrying about whether or when the person or help will come

b. What to tell the person to do.. something to monitor

Instead treat anything given to me as duty and do what I can to the best of my ability. Value systems around me need not match. I am who I am and I will not take anyone or anything with me to my grave. Let me take the best version of myself.

I loved this picture I came across of Buddha looking at a full moon. I hope to paint it someday.

Making peace......

 It's tough to quench our desires of wanting more....or to want something to be 'perfect' or lets say the way we want it. As we move into our new house, I have often vacillated between thoughts of "I really wish I could do xyz" to " Finally I ain't going to take my house or the stuff in it to any new world...so make peace with whatever it is" . I feel somewhere, at sometime in my life I might end up feeling...all this was for naught. What I'm trying to reconcile today (sometimes painfully due to differences in opinion...call it better logic, varied perspective or whatever)...feels challenging. Be it say a false ceiling, be it painting walls, be it curtains, be it a cupboard...whatever.. there is a part of me that says "I wish......". The more I battle out these points with the other person in the decision process...I feel exhausted and it pushes me to the other part of the spectrum- which is- let it go ... let go... it all has to go one day. No point clinging onto such opinion..such desires... 

I wonder is it letting the other person ride over me..my own choices. Well maybe..but im perhaps led to better thinking as a human being? Isnt it? There is a certain degree of futility in all this....or maybe I will get it if I were meant to..or maybe at a better time....or maybe God sees another plan in all this? I dont know....all I know is its confusing, tiring, exhausting and somewhere I need to make peace..for myself. Nothing is worth the pain I give to myself. No one need give pain to me too. I dont want to give anybody that permission. 

So if it means adjusting, aligning different perspectives to my self....making peace...so be it. 

Self Love

It's perhaps a topic I should get writing about...given I started this about mid April...gave up half way just posting the title ! and today (May 8th) I had the impetus to write about it. It's needing of some attention at my end then....

I am grateful to myself for all that I do....for the love I show...for the help I render..for the conscience that I rest on. Many people will come and go in my life..some leaving a good impression and some not so good...but I should remember at the end of the day..its an impression...and I have the ability to wipe it. I have tried therapy to feel good about myself...and I am proud..because I care about myself. Let me care a bit more.

For all those days when I have left feeling...do I have confidence? who will give me so? I do feel the need for someone to put their hand over my shoulders and tell me "its going to be ok"....i have not heard it in a long while. For the days I struggle to wake at times to wonder will I be able to be myself..happy and cheerful and helpful and ever ready to do more for others..... You give me little love and I will give you a lot...but one needs a recipient for this too...and if there are none..then I need to tell myself...Its ok..you have been ok...you will be ok.

Its not about materialistic desires..financial support... its the wanting for someone around me to be kind..to give respect..to hear me out..I do have faults..I do have weaknesses..but Im certain Im not manipulative..neither am I selfish..I can go beyond ...but then I am hoping & depending for someone...but Aruna..when have you ? 

Its not that dependence is bad..but every vivid memory of someone making me feel terrible..someone not realising my true worth...makes me pause and feel...is my love worth it? Is my effort worth it? is this all making sense? And should my love be even a 'worth'..maybe not :) Maybe the words that my Balavihar teacher once told really matters- Dont have any expectations and life will be fine. So let love too not have expectations and I build the muscle to not want to be reciprocated. For...I cant change who others are, I can only try to be a better version of who I am

I look upto you Daddy..its been long since I wrote to you...i thought you're there for me..like you're free-er than God..to help me.. do take care of me and I will need your blessings.

And the below photo was in one of Los Angeles's beaches...I took a long walk post office and I recall a long chat too with my friend..we discussed a bit of life, a bit of lack of respect we face and how we surmounted life's challenges as we grew up...this too shall pass ..is what we told each other

I thank whatever gods may be.....For my unconquerable soul.

 Proud of you my dear girl

I have gone through life like anyone else, seeking that pat on my back for a job well done. I guess I still yearn for those validations at work (read office). But it's not necessary one always gets it across life's sphere. Today as I complete 7 years at Google, I am grateful to a lot in life. This job has given me many things- not just money. 1) It reminds me everyday that there is a part of life that values me (however fake that valuing might be) 2) It keeps me busy and tired enough to keep other issues in my mind at bay 3) It above all gives me independence or to put it the freedom to not depend on anyone. However this isn't just what makes me or work is not the only lever demanding my physical and mental attention, There is so much else I pack in a day that there are so many days that go by in a blur moving from one piece of activity to another and I dont stop by to be a bystander to my own effort. I want to thank myself today and be kind to myself for "keeping at it" 

Thank you dear Aruna for..

• The motivation to wake up after a late night to bed post work 
• To get your son ready for his school on time, with a glass of milk, bath and breakfast done for him
• To inculcate our God fearing culture in him and helping him understand the value of prayer by making him pray everyday
• To get a well done breakfast ready for the family, however it may be received 
• To prepare lunch before I get ready
• To start work on time pretty much everyday
• To ensure your son is fed a good lunch on time
• To ensure I attend my meetings on time and deliver to my work commitments
• To keeping your house maid comfortable in life with the many small things you do for her
• To ensuring your son does his school work and is well set for his school responsibilities by teaching him
• To program manage all things at home around groceries/ snacks and paying bills where needed
• To taking late night calls with as much commitment as I could possibly do
• To ensuring I pursue my hobbies- singing, mridangam and painting and explore a side of mine that I enjoy
• To keeping in touch with loved ones and making them feel special with gifts that I buy generously

This is all my tired mind could remember now... Proud of you Aruna. If there's one thing you dont tell yourself often is that- YOU CAN DO IT.  YOU HAVE done it...for YOURSELF :) Life aint easy for anyone. One thing that you have told yourself is YOU NEED TO MAKE LIFE SPECIAL for yourself and remind yourself that YOUR mind makes or breaks you. 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
   And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
   And never breathe a word about your loss.......

Small things....

A well spent Sunday- trying to sketch and to keep my mind busy like the bug- rather away from unwanted negative thoughts. Did not realize that I would be pleasantly surprised with the output! Life is about doing something- something that makes it feel worthwhile-either to yourself or to others. A day spent doing nothing makes me feel really frustrated. Glad I could get down to do this. Grateful for small blessings -time, energy, frame of mind & good health

Pausing.....

It's been a great deal of time gone by, never to return. I sometimes wonder who am I through these years. The constant thought of what defines me? They say -How you face a situation is more important than what the situation is? I evaluate myself through this yardstick and wonder how did I fare? There have been a myriad of situations- professionally, personally, leaving me feel very tired. Tired of battling it out, judging myself, holding myself accountable and feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Dumbledore's words -Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light seems false. I dont think there is light....or maybe I cant find it. 

Over the years i've lost more than I've gained. I've lost my confidence, my inner voice rarely talks to me, i'm unable to find meaning in many things that I do....life seems to be just pushing me ahead and I move on goalless & without purpose. Where am I? What am I? What defines me? I wish some answers unfold, showing me the light. For now, I have hope- in good action, in karma. Someday sometime- this will all make sense- the dots will connect....I do my duty

Zero Expectations!

March 31st 2015 and my dad completed his 17 years of service in one single organization which also marked the end of his professional life. 66 years of age today, he has spent close to 38 years of his life working. These 38 years have seen their highs and lows-marked by personal challenges along with professional battles. There was not one day he could make 'choices', the flexibility we youngsters have today. He had only ONE way. He had to work, to make life happen for us. I am so proud today to have been part of his journey. I may have not helped him in anyway, but I have learnt a lot from him. The need to commit oneself and give the best to what one takes up.

Happy to see him start on another journey now, it only saddened me to know none of the folks in his senior management team turned up for his farewell. I dont know about their personal rifes/agendas/biases if any. We all have our short-comings, egoes that we confront others with, but I can say hand over heart his effort has been an unsullied one. 

Today I write a note to his team about how I felt....a frank voice. I dont care if it's heard or not. Its just my voice.

Dear Sir,

Wishes for this year and hope all is great at your end !!

This is my first communication to you and to someone who has also played a pivotal role by accepting the services of my father for the last 17 years. Your far experienced eye and seniority by age makes me rather anxious as I put my thoughts down here. I begin with due apologies if the intent of this mail does not bear well with you. It is only a humble attempt to put forth a daughter's naive perspective. 

I'd prefer starting on a very upbeat note of THANKING YOU!  for all your support in the last 17 years of my dad's employment with Kumar Organics. We as kids have grown up without any perceivable difficulty, thanks to this employment.
What began as a 'job', 'necessity' for him way back in 1998, when I was just in my 7th standard, has today ended as his career and the nucleus of the prime years of his life. I don't wish to draw empathy here- however be it my mother's sickness that he battled bravely or ensuring there was no shortfall in our upbringing, I cannot recall one day when he flinched or compromised in his commitment to Kumar Organics. We ridiculed him at times in our naivety, asking if he had a life beyond KOP or whether he was indispensable! Sleepless nights, precious saturdays which we wished to spend with him, very short holidays because "work is more important', was all that defined him.

All of 13 years in my 7th standard you were perhaps my dad's 'boss'. Today having completed my education, getting worthy enough of working in a company and starting to shoulder the responsibility of a family, I cannot but understand the value an employer brings to one's life. My happiness at work is not determined by the salary I earn, but by my colleagues who surround me and most importantly by my seniors. Effort be put, acknowledgment by my seniors goes a really long way in building my happiness and contentment quotient. 

When my dad told me about his retirement, I was most excited with the prospect of his seniors, including you ("Mr. UK Singh" had become part of our dictionary since young!!)  being a part of HIS day!  Something that WE as family are so proud of ! At this juncture I wish to convey my dismay to hear your absence at the Start of his new innings! I wish to give you the benefit of doubt and believe something of more pressing need would have made you give his important day a pass. However, apologies if we expected you to convey the same to him over some mode of communication.

I have nothing more to say since words are few to convey any disappointment. I for once felt my belief system getting challenged. My belief that Goodness and Hardwork is always rewarded with respect. I hope to take it in my stride as a lesson learnt.

On this note, I wish you great luck and hope that your daughter/son does not face the disappointment that I did. May they be truly proud one day to see you finish a stellar professional and personal life amidst people who mattered to you !!

Yours respectfully,

Aruna Ranganathan

Irrespective of who turned up or not I am proud of you Pappa !! Cheers to good health and happiness ahead !!

Time has gone by.....has happiness too?

As days pass by, just as how today closes itself I try to make peace with who I am, what I do and why I do what I do. I look forward to a night of restful sleep mindless of what is in store for me tomorrow. I look forward to feeling happier. Yes, I agree happiness is a state of mind. But training the mind to find happiness is daunting, especially when happiness is linked to expectations; fulfilling a want or desire. It's our ego talking, if we believe it isn't linked to one. Take any aspect of your lives and vet it against this parameter.

We seek intervention and pray. But aren't we again negotiating with the higher power to fulfill a desire? "Just let this happen...and I will forever remain faithful to you". I am tired as I write this. I wonder why I work and work so hard. For what? I recall my childhood.. As a 4 year old I remember my mother getting unwell and taken to a hospital.As a 6 year old I remember my parents waking up at 4a.m to fill water since it only came then. As an 8 year old I recall, I had just one 'extra' shoe apart from my school shoes. I had to take part in a school program and the teacher asked us to wear one of those 'fancy heeled shoes'. I asked my parents and was upset being told that the existing one would be polished and that I could use that. As a 12 year old I recall my dad having a conversation with me by a roadside shop "My job isn't going great, I may have to probably leave it. I am worried and I don't know whether I will have the money to be able to fulfill your little desires. Sorry if may not be able to...but I will try". Every alternate year of my childhood I recall my mom falling ill. My parents have worked very very hard to get me to where I am. Nothing has transpired easy.....there have been numerous challenges...but I managed to find my way out..I managed to find happiness! I managed well...to feel happier! Yes in a comparative sense...compared to what I am today. And I wonder why so? I am financially fine, have adequate 'materialism' to support a good lifestyle...still...there is no peace of mind... I don't have the strength to find happiness.

And I wonder why so?Maybe some answers here?

Money doesn't buy happiness

A job doesn't give it too

It doesn't come through name or fame

For at the end, it's all the same

What mattered perhaps was Time
Time spent with someone who mattered

To share some love and make life better

For at the end, we all live for what?

When rich or poor, success or failure...all comes to naught