Thankful for some conversations

This weekend has been good ! Mix of activities...I played the mridangam on Saturday though I did not have class, on Sunday had my class at noon, I (almost) learnt a song over the weekend after a really long time. Sri Varalakshmi Namastubhyam. This singer has sung it so very beautifully  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ua8vZPOPPAA

Then today... I saw a movie Kho Gaye Hum Kahaan..Quite nice..a pretty good message from it. We often try living a life to look good in front of others, are so insecure with what we have because others have much more and we keep living inadequate lives...the comparison never ends. There was quite a strong data point in the movie about one checking phones on an average 224 times a day ! Destroying all possible social connect, spending time with ourselves.....our world is on some platform

Cut to a conversation I had with Nirvaan..over Saturday this week. He came back from his drawing class feeling bummed out that we didnt have enough interiors in our house and he cried :) I felt for him...its not his fault really to feel this way. Kids go see new houses, new things, hear new conversations and then end up building up such feelings. Im so glad I managed to get it out of him. I explained to him why we are prioritizing other things in life such as health, education over splurging on fancy-ing the house. Of course I completely get how he feels. When I used to visit other childen's houses when I was young (I recall especially one friend's house- Rajnita) I used to feel..wow ! Her house is sooo good..like a mini bungalow and I was sometimes embarassed to invite friends home wondering where could they sit [ We had those easy chairs for quite many yrs before we moved onto cane chairs and then sofas] Back then I did not have the guts to even share such feelings with my dad...cause I felt I would be unfair perhaps bringing something up with him (when I saw him through my mom's health/ working so hard) and also because I felt scared. My dear baby...I love you and completely get what you felt..may God give you the wisdom to cope with these moments & to come out with more realisation :)

And then this evening...a chat with a friend..from another religion..but our thoughts so similar! 💕 Here's what we took away..rather I took

--- She said..she prays to God to only give her that much..that will keep her happy with a good night's sleep

-- Said, what we get and what is taken away too is all God's plan

--I should do my best , with a clean conscience and then leave it...cause what we are today is because of what our parents did ...so maybe what I do/how I do is also what Im leaving behind for my son

-- Every day I live in this fear of something going wrong, almost as if Im waiting for THAT moment when things will break down...its impossible to "live" like this... who knows the next breath ...it takes 1 breath..and Im gone.......this office...this manager..that family member...no one will be able to bring me back

-- Of all the people Iv known...my mother is the most contented person I've ever known...and this despite her ill health...she hasnt travelled any place..hasnt had any wishes of visiting hotels/ buying fancy things..and yet.she is the calmest nicest warmest person I have and will ever know 💓💏

May I learn from such things...such people..such conversations...life is fleeting

Today it is some reorg, tomorrow it is something else..nothing will even be permanent...and I cant wrap my head in this worry for ever.....God give me the strength to face my day with calmness..No person can kill who I am...u have given me everything I could have deserved to have...let me be grateful and make the most of what I have

Empathy, 5 sense organs working, a loving healthy son, a voice to sing, an instrument to learn, my loving parents & sister .......thank you God. Make me stronger and less vulnerable to other's opinion and to love this 1 life you've given me with more gratitude

May he get his chance to kick ...!

Today as I was taking my usual walk around the building, I saw my kutta play football with a group of his friends...a sight not too usual, given I've generally not seen him take to the game. Infact he had told me that, because he 'doesnt know the game well' , children did not include him necessarily. Of course, no one wants a game to slow down or to spend time explaining the game to someone who does not know it. ..Well...no one has the patience to include others....

As I saw him hustle around the ball today with his friends, my gaze stood for a while on him and on the ball intently, wishing he gets a chance to kick the ball. Oh the ball went here and there, missed his legs a couple of times...and finally in between he did manage to kick it a wee bit. I was sooo happy for him! It almost felt like a sense of relief ...that he was not 'left out', that he did not feel he 'did not get his chance'...

Sigh...today it is just a frivolous game of ball...what about the larger Kreeda of life as described in Bhaja Govindam. How much would I be able to witness his ebb and flow? How many times would I get to stand by and wish..and wish..oh may he get that chance to kick...ass ! 

I bet I cant capture every such moment..but I can only hope and pray..May GOD give him the strength to face all the moments when the ball evades his leg. I can only pray for that my little..my cute pie

On another thought...I keep feeling..life is so short and there is so much I need to do ..so much more to learn...God thank you for all the small mercies you show me..help me rise above my pettiness and to engage in your thought..Bhaja Govindam. 

Bhaja Govindam- Let us enlighten our way to Jnana

I dont know what made me want to learn its meaning today. I always felt something was special about it. There is some deep philosophy in it that is meant for common man. I did some research on YouTube and found a very simple to understand link . 

Bhaja Govindam Bhaja Govindam

Govindam Bhaja Muudd mathe

Sampraapte sann-nihite kaale

Nahi Nahi rakshati dukrin karane

I remember this picture so well, on the walls of the house I grew in. Sankaracharya sitting on the banks of the Ganga in Varanasi teaching the students Bhaja Govindam, when he sees the copper vessel slide down

Commitments and reminders for 2024

As I start this new year, I want to be reminded by what Swami Chinmayananda said.. "There is really no new year. When we decide to change, is what a New year or a new YOU is about" 

I think that makes so much sense. Having gone through a very intense 2023, I want to start 2024 with certain reminders to my self, not really resolutions. These reminders are based on my learnings in 2023, looking back at instances I dint cope well in. They have been good learning grounds for me to take into 2024. So here's my list

a] I AM capable of doing things. I DONT need validation from people around me to keep me motivated. There have been MANY times I have proved this to myself. NO ONE can make me feel inferior. If I do, I am LETTING them to make me feel so

b] I DON'T need to PLEASE anyone at work. THEY actually DON'T matter to me in life given they are NOT going to be around when I need help. Its OKAY fully to be firm, blunt and LAND your expectations. YOU DONT need to look good for ALL at all. LET them talk about YOU. So WHAT???

c] I SHOULD NOT search for my values at work. Infact let me leave a bit of my soul behind [ not MY values] and enter work. That way I WONT ALLOW myself to get hurt. 

d] DON'T try to be perfect in ANYTHING. It BURNS you out and honestly......the work I do doesnt require it AT ALL. 

e] LEARN to delegate and BE SHAMELESS about it. ITS OK. No one is sitting to attack YOU. They are also SAVING their jobs. 

f] REDUCE time spent online AS MUCH as possible, instead do things you believe ADD value to you- E.g reading a book, listening to carnatic music

g] BE AS ORGANIZED as you can and DO NOT procrastinate wherever possible. When you are at work, YOU ARE AT WORK. Dont browse random sites and then sit through the night working. AS MUCH as you can, take out CLEAN time for yourself. WORK will continue ALWAYS..it NEVER stops. 

h] BE BRAVE. If you lose your job, your role gets exposed...SO WHAT. Surely you will find SOMETHING. If you cant, then who CAN , should be your attitude. YOU CANT LIVE every day in FEAR..you JUST CANT. It will kill you from within. DONT Stress over this job...you have a life BEYOND the last 2 weeks of December

i] DONT fret over her emails.TRUST me, ethics & values are anyways NOT there. YOUR job at work is to do YOUR duty, what YOU are asked. YOU ARE NOT here to establish some ashram. DONT try and find sanity too. The issue is WHEN YOUR EXPECTATIONS DO NOT get met. Start with NOTHING. 

You DONT need to panic with every ping, email at all.. WONT YOU look into it ?? CHILL...she has a way to rattle and your falling for it LIKE AN IDIOT

j] DONT fret every day. THE JOB your entering into MAKES NO SENSE to the world..trust THAT! We are running our own shit show to look busy. PLAY THE GAME WELL. DONT lose it at people at home...for THIS ! YOUR son needs to see a good mother , a kind & patient mother. HE doesnt deserve to be at the RECEIVING END of your work irritation. 

https://hbr.org/2012/12/nine-ways-successful-people-de 

LASTLY PRAY....keep time for your own thoughts, to collect yourself...try reading 1 chapter a day [ away FROM social media...maybe keep time ONLY on a Friday night for it...try it for a week]

YOU need to protect your health. IF NO health..there is nothing left..you know that. Dont STRESS for THIS SHIT ....calm down and count backwards...EVERYTHING can be solved

LOVE Yourself.

THANK You DADDY and be with Me :) 

What matters to me...

When I take my evening walks around the building, I often spend time introspecting on how to keep myself positive and motivated when there are many things that pull me down during the day. 

Could be a rude comment, a remark pointing a flaw, stress at work, my son not listening to me when I tell him to do something, not feeling appreciated for what I do, for all that I do.....and then I wonder how can I let someone, something affect me so easily. 

Could I not be stronger? Can I not be a little thick skinned, indifferent? Can I get out of this swirl of attachment, fear & anger... infact I thought about it...Im perhaps attached to very few things..or maybe not? But I operate in the fear zone almost always--which is not often related to attachment- but of something going wrong. 

So is this because Im always attached to "I want this to go fine". Its all too confusing at times. I found this quote that pretty much hit home!

I took a deep breath and thought... what am I grateful for today...

1) That i'm healthy and capable of doing my OWN WORK MYSELF

2) My son is "normal" and "neurotypical" and is able to navigate the world ON HIS OWN

3) Today my parents dont 'need me' and are capable of managing on THEIR OWN

4) I am able to fend for myself and not depend on anyone financially and to a large extent emotionally and physically

This is pretty much it ! What is needed for myself to be grateful for life really. Rest of it...will happen. Life cant be perfect. If I keep trying to chase that perfect world, it will elude me more. 

I cant think more right now. Im tired. I will go to bed. Im glad im able to do things on my own. The significance of which I dont want to understand by falling into a state when I have to depend on someone. Today every time I compare myself and my life to someone else's and think ..Wish I had a cook, wish I had a help...let me perhaps tell myself..by doing it myself what I avoid..

a. Worrying about whether or when the person or help will come

b. What to tell the person to do.. something to monitor

Instead treat anything given to me as duty and do what I can to the best of my ability. Value systems around me need not match. I am who I am and I will not take anyone or anything with me to my grave. Let me take the best version of myself.

I loved this picture I came across of Buddha looking at a full moon. I hope to paint it someday.

Making peace......

 It's tough to quench our desires of wanting more....or to want something to be 'perfect' or lets say the way we want it. As we move into our new house, I have often vacillated between thoughts of "I really wish I could do xyz" to " Finally I ain't going to take my house or the stuff in it to any new world...so make peace with whatever it is" . I feel somewhere, at sometime in my life I might end up feeling...all this was for naught. What I'm trying to reconcile today (sometimes painfully due to differences in opinion...call it better logic, varied perspective or whatever)...feels challenging. Be it say a false ceiling, be it painting walls, be it curtains, be it a cupboard...whatever.. there is a part of me that says "I wish......". The more I battle out these points with the other person in the decision process...I feel exhausted and it pushes me to the other part of the spectrum- which is- let it go ... let go... it all has to go one day. No point clinging onto such opinion..such desires... 

I wonder is it letting the other person ride over me..my own choices. Well maybe..but im perhaps led to better thinking as a human being? Isnt it? There is a certain degree of futility in all this....or maybe I will get it if I were meant to..or maybe at a better time....or maybe God sees another plan in all this? I dont know....all I know is its confusing, tiring, exhausting and somewhere I need to make peace..for myself. Nothing is worth the pain I give to myself. No one need give pain to me too. I dont want to give anybody that permission. 

So if it means adjusting, aligning different perspectives to my self....making peace...so be it. 

Self Love

It's perhaps a topic I should get writing about...given I started this about mid April...gave up half way just posting the title ! and today (May 8th) I had the impetus to write about it. It's needing of some attention at my end then....

I am grateful to myself for all that I do....for the love I show...for the help I render..for the conscience that I rest on. Many people will come and go in my life..some leaving a good impression and some not so good...but I should remember at the end of the day..its an impression...and I have the ability to wipe it. I have tried therapy to feel good about myself...and I am proud..because I care about myself. Let me care a bit more.

For all those days when I have left feeling...do I have confidence? who will give me so? I do feel the need for someone to put their hand over my shoulders and tell me "its going to be ok"....i have not heard it in a long while. For the days I struggle to wake at times to wonder will I be able to be myself..happy and cheerful and helpful and ever ready to do more for others..... You give me little love and I will give you a lot...but one needs a recipient for this too...and if there are none..then I need to tell myself...Its ok..you have been ok...you will be ok.

Its not about materialistic desires..financial support... its the wanting for someone around me to be kind..to give respect..to hear me out..I do have faults..I do have weaknesses..but Im certain Im not manipulative..neither am I selfish..I can go beyond ...but then I am hoping & depending for someone...but Aruna..when have you ? 

Its not that dependence is bad..but every vivid memory of someone making me feel terrible..someone not realising my true worth...makes me pause and feel...is my love worth it? Is my effort worth it? is this all making sense? And should my love be even a 'worth'..maybe not :) Maybe the words that my Balavihar teacher once told really matters- Dont have any expectations and life will be fine. So let love too not have expectations and I build the muscle to not want to be reciprocated. For...I cant change who others are, I can only try to be a better version of who I am

I look upto you Daddy..its been long since I wrote to you...i thought you're there for me..like you're free-er than God..to help me.. do take care of me and I will need your blessings.

And the below photo was in one of Los Angeles's beaches...I took a long walk post office and I recall a long chat too with my friend..we discussed a bit of life, a bit of lack of respect we face and how we surmounted life's challenges as we grew up...this too shall pass ..is what we told each other

I thank whatever gods may be.....For my unconquerable soul.

 Proud of you my dear girl

I have gone through life like anyone else, seeking that pat on my back for a job well done. I guess I still yearn for those validations at work (read office). But it's not necessary one always gets it across life's sphere. Today as I complete 7 years at Google, I am grateful to a lot in life. This job has given me many things- not just money. 1) It reminds me everyday that there is a part of life that values me (however fake that valuing might be) 2) It keeps me busy and tired enough to keep other issues in my mind at bay 3) It above all gives me independence or to put it the freedom to not depend on anyone. However this isn't just what makes me or work is not the only lever demanding my physical and mental attention, There is so much else I pack in a day that there are so many days that go by in a blur moving from one piece of activity to another and I dont stop by to be a bystander to my own effort. I want to thank myself today and be kind to myself for "keeping at it" 

Thank you dear Aruna for..

• The motivation to wake up after a late night to bed post work 
• To get your son ready for his school on time, with a glass of milk, bath and breakfast done for him
• To inculcate our God fearing culture in him and helping him understand the value of prayer by making him pray everyday
• To get a well done breakfast ready for the family, however it may be received 
• To prepare lunch before I get ready
• To start work on time pretty much everyday
• To ensure your son is fed a good lunch on time
• To ensure I attend my meetings on time and deliver to my work commitments
• To keeping your house maid comfortable in life with the many small things you do for her
• To ensuring your son does his school work and is well set for his school responsibilities by teaching him
• To program manage all things at home around groceries/ snacks and paying bills where needed
• To taking late night calls with as much commitment as I could possibly do
• To ensuring I pursue my hobbies- singing, mridangam and painting and explore a side of mine that I enjoy
• To keeping in touch with loved ones and making them feel special with gifts that I buy generously

This is all my tired mind could remember now... Proud of you Aruna. If there's one thing you dont tell yourself often is that- YOU CAN DO IT.  YOU HAVE done it...for YOURSELF :) Life aint easy for anyone. One thing that you have told yourself is YOU NEED TO MAKE LIFE SPECIAL for yourself and remind yourself that YOUR mind makes or breaks you. 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
   And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
   And never breathe a word about your loss.......