I am my biggest reminder

God & Daddy Good morning!

Thank you for giving me everything that I have and for blessing me with so much of abundance. As I look to start another day let me remind myself of a few things

- Let me not open every email wondering if someone is going to catch that "I am not good enough"

- Because, perfecting myself is not the aim...but..bettering myself is

- Life is so unpredictable we know--- remind myself- from lessons around- my mom did not ask for MS, neither did Vijay ask for PD. We are all walking every minute towards our final calling and none of this will matter eventually....and STILL we screw this second and minute up with wants, desires and stress

- Everything happens for a reason and its God's will. It doesnt mean He makes us lazy and demotivated- but we are allowing ourselves to do that

- Let me put the blessings I get out of my job above my ego at every moment

1. My parents medical bills are taken care of
2. Im able to go out and buy something or spend without much thought
3. Im able to be generous to those who help me
4. I have the ability to stay in a house of my own

- All of this is going to end..............

Let me die with no frustration...it almost feels I know I will die only 30 yrs or whatever later...Do we know when we are going to ?? No right !?

Spend time in

- Music

-Prayer

- My duties without ATTACHING myself to it

Let me be grateful. Earning whatever I do is not normal in general. God is being kind- let me be grateful and not get my ego in the way

I AM ALWAYS WORK IN PROGRESS

The blessings I have

Dear God

This week has been a different one. I was told yesterday about the new role, nothing surprising or nothing I did not know- but somewhere BEING TOLD brings some conclusion to the tentativeness....but.....in the middle of this all, that Saikat discussion still niggles..there is some itch to get that role reporting to him (again nothing so revolutionary there ! but just the fact that I was wanted by someone)...urghh...God this is called greed right... I dont know...its like being shown that carrot and then its been taken away for a bit (i hope only for a bit)... God ..let me constantly remind myself of the so many things going well...SO many...im screwing myself over unnecessarily...there is so much stress I feel in my body that it's a bit stupid and exhausting..and all this for what????? Really ....

No one will come to my rescue

No one will even really care if Im unwell, sick, or absent

Why am I screwing personal relationships at home?

Which takes me to, the big argument yesterday morning...that I dont agree to that, that I dont make coffee soon enough , I need to be repeatedly told .....It just keeps reminding me of 'something not enough'....but Im also giving the permission to feel that way. 

I met that old man and lady couple in the building last evening and oh boy! were they not irritated with their families...disappointed..annoyed at their upbringing....Im happy I was able to bring in some cheer...

Which takes me to...who really is happy?? Content rather....happy with themselves.. Why is there ALWAYS a "I am not enough" syndrome within me...always looking for perspective to fill myself up and for someone to keep reminding me, that Im good, im the best...sick !

IF EVERY aspect of my life is a MEASURE OF HOW BETTER I am THAN someone else...its a terrible life...as per what Sadhguru was saying too...

and then last evening my kuttu continues to surprise and show me kindness with this 💕💝

Kuttu's musings!

 His observations this morning 😘😍💖

"Mumma..How come Girija periammai is rich, while we are not" ; A few days ago he had told the same about Anu periammai..and I asked him, why does he think she is rich. He said, "because she has a big house..it has stairs inside and all..a fancy car.." 😆

"Mumma, when we are younger age difference matters, after we grow old it doesnt...like when Arjun and me are adults, he cant boss over me like he does these days" 🤣

"Mumma i think im kinda waiting more for Anu periammai to come than Girija periammai..but GP is kinda old no"

and then this video pops up from when he is young...look at him not answer at the school point. !! 

Gratitude reminder

So many good things gone by this week.

It started with Sunday. Celebrated Renuka cook's son's birthday and I was so touched by so many gestures

a) She so generously prepared so much food to eat- such a small house but such a big heart

b) There was so much cheer and happiness in her face despite water not coming frequently ; a possibility of TV snapping off given connection will depend on her internet bandwidth ; an owner who sits on her head and doesnt allow her to fill water

c) She having 3 children to take care off with a husband who left her and went

Such is life...... we cant decide what cards we are dealt with, but how we deal with them will make all the difference

I was immensely pleased with my kuttu's gesture too in her house. so so understanding, observant of everything around. I cant be more grateful of the 'gentleman' he is growing up to be. God bless you my dear. My you ALWAYS have a big heart and a kind mind...this is grossly lacking in our world today. We need more of you....Im so happy I have you in my life. 

Aside this, one of my cherished moments ..clearing my bank loan within about 2 years. Im immensely grateful to God and my parents and to a selfless husband who encouraged me to keep paying it off. I know God none of this I carry above- this is all material...but it gives me some bit of self worth and financial freedom perhaps and above all just a reminder that soooo many things are going well in my life. 

a) I have a house which I could repay a loan of within 2 years

b) My parents are alive!

c) I have a sister who cares so much

d) The best-est gift of my life is healthy, a good boy and above all kind in all respects

e) I am healthy and I have whatever it takes to have a healthy life

God let me not be petty

Let me embrace change- if I have to die anyways...let me die effectively..not due to frustration & depression

Let me STOP this pursuit of wanting to be correct & liked by people...WHO THE HELL WILL CARE if Im not around..these people wont....let me not lose my health around them at all

God pls keep me grounded and in check

Daddy I love you a lot

Love you my dear Kuttu

Kuttaa.....

I cannot tell you how much you mean to me...you said the sweetest things to me today..more than what any news should upset me. ...Today was another so called big day for changes to be announced at work...I received an email in the morning saying potential org changes would happen, folks impacted would be told in 1:1s.....you read that email and while I was leaving to office hugged me and said Om Sri Chinmaya Sadguru ve namah.... I was sooo impressed kanna...

And the icing on the cake was....in the evening as soon as you got home I see this 

How Kutta....your so considerate for your age..your far far emotionally richer than I am..May that be your biggest strength when you grow up too raja....nothing else matters...God Bless you. Im touched beyond words.... You have made me successful than any role could.......

Thank you God...ever grateful

 Dear God

This is yet another day, another blessing that you have given me, reminding me that Im alive and healthy and happy because of all that you have bestowed upon me. Let all these reorg, announcements, changes whatever....not rattle me. I believe until now EVERYTHING, every single thing has happened with reason....there is no good bad..there are only lessons learnt and reflections and pure gratitude that whatever I am getting I receive it with open palms. 

God make me a stronger person , unfazed by this. Let me be accepting , graciously whatever I am to get...given that is what I deserve. 

My mother did not ask for multiple sclerosis at the age of 34

My father did not ask to be a caretaker , stress bearer all his life

My uncles and aunts did not ask for death

and so much more God........You have given me enough and more evidence that what has to happen will. The only thing I want you to keep a check for me on, is ...am I doing enough ...am i doing MY part and my duty. Please keep me honest 

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from all evil .......

Love you God...Love you Daddy

All the best for GRADE 4 Chikki !!

Dear kutta

All the very best as you begin 4th GRADE. Your a very smart kuttus with lot of earnestness to do well. May you feel energised to do your best and to give it all it takes with your abilities and all the blessings God has bestowed you with. 

I hope to all calm myself as much as possible and not drive u up the wall because IT ISNT HELPFUL for either you or me. God- please please help me here. I truly dont want to do it- but i feel i end up doing it justifying it with some reason or the other. 

You make me smile, you give me the best kisses and you say the silliest and yet cutest of things. 

[10:01 PM, 6/11/2024] Aruna: last evening i was talking to N about studies

[10:01 PM, 6/11/2024] Aruna: and how its important etc etc

[10:01 PM, 6/11/2024] Aruna: he asked me..mumma how come u felt like studying etc

[10:01 PM, 6/11/2024] Aruna: i told him..hmm...so Anu periammai studied v well 👿 and then thatha paati used to work so hard..with all his travel every day and paati's really bad health

[10:02 PM, 6/11/2024] Aruna: so i felt i should also do my bit and work equally hard to make them happy

[10:02 PM, 6/11/2024] Aruna: he says "hmmm but then mumma i dont have any such reasons to feel motivated no like u had"

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 Kutttaaa kutttaaa...may those reasons truly come from within FOR YOURSELF..not for me or anyone else :) 

ALL THE BEST KANNA.>>God BleSS you!! 

FYI your first tooth fell on its own on June 4th 2024 ! ! ! 💗

My brave chikki and some musings ;)

Today was a milestone day for chikku chi pappluns. His permanent teeth are already bracing themselves to make their presence ..but the milk teeth continue to be persistent ! So we went to knock them out. Such a brave boy he was braving the 2 injections given and coming out with a smiling face. And yes I was sitting in the side chanting "om sri chinmaya sadguru ve namah" ✌

This just tells how fast he is growing ! My kutty paapa. 

Last night was just amazing btw! He caressed my hair to make me go to sleep and kept kissing me on my cheek and forehead. I told him "this reminds me of paati../my mumma" and he immediately said "ya..she has such chunnu bunnu soft hands, soft voice...and such soft cheeks"... yes thats my mumma !!! No one can replace her..but my kutta's touch was quite close to that :) 😘

In other conversations this week...he had a Q "mumma is puberty a painful process". :) I asked him why does he ask so. He said he watched Young Sheldon and he had got pimples.. I told him well..not everyone get, but yes it can be slightly annoying. and then he tells me "he is waiting for it" 🙄 and im like..yeah really?? 

But he's got some understanding ! ! He knows about periods, he is empathetic to me nowadays now that he knows and has some very interesting Qs. one among being.."mumma..if you say people get irritated when they get periods...how come Anu periammai is so calm...does that mean she doesnt get it" 😅😅..>Welll..looks like a no...for me too !!!! looking at her genetic composition of calmness and serenity. In my defense..she took all of the calmness from my mom and left me with my dad's tension :)

A new interest?

Its been a good start to the year...I think one thing that Iv kept at has been listening to carnatic music. Im so glad I attended the Raga concert in Hyd. I want to make this happen often and keep my interest alive. Nothing like music to uplift me. I am happiest around it, with it and in it. Often we are told..do what makes you happy...music has been that constant. I enjoyed dressing up for the event and here I am very happy moments before I left for the concert

Sometimes I wonder am I even cut out to do anything remotely associated with work, numbers what not...I feel it takes a lot out of me to 'fit in' to this world. I love something creative...something where there are no defined boundaries beyond a few. But work happens to be the 'driver'. Recently while planning the trip to Paris....we considered business class..something which I would not have been able to think about, had it not been for my work. I feel great and grateful to God for having given me such a career...I feel at times there are much more deserving people, but God has been kind to me. Thank you God.

I have an equally understanding son... he surprised me when he said "mumma lets not spend so much..lets do business class later"...so much thoughtfulness. I love you kutta... You surprise me every other day with your kindness & generosity. Your sooooo much more than we see you 💕 

Suddenly a thought sprung into my mind today....should I learn the violin...Iv heard its tough...THERE I GO AGAIN...always limiting..always throttling my life with ifs, buts and the worst...but this is 1 life..if not now..then when??

 

Will it ever cease.....perhaps no

I wake up almost every day....with a thought going to...what if I lose my job..what if what I do is not valued....coupled with a huge sense of being an imposter...

Today someone in office told me..that there is a possible rumor that my role gets folded into another org..and lo and behold that continued to play in every action /thought of mine post that moment...

I cant just operate this way....my 1 life..the only 1 life of a few more years will just go by like this...stiffling and crazy with such thoughts. I can feel my heart beat faster..my stress levels going up with shoulder aches..what childhood am I showing my son with my behavior as such....Aruna.....calm down.. 🩷....who are you trying to please? some asshole of a GTM who has a point of view on your org?? and you're looking to justify the work of this org in 6 months?? Cmon! Take a deep breath......few points to note darling

a) Yes anything can happen tomorrow...who knows

b) Do what you can with your head down--- work, network, do what it takes and then RELAX

c) Write down a few things that bother you......what (some) aspects can you take control of, what cant you...let go of those

d) There is no permanence to anything...you worrying about the day when you're going to be the chosen one for something...well...we are all going one day .... what will happen will be for your good..trust God..

dont worry Aruna...u CANT KILL YOURSELF overs some perception..HELL WITH IT....you ARE NOT THE MESS around you

My dear kutta

There's always something special I find with my kuttu...and I ensure I remind him every day of how special he is to me 

This takes me back to last Saturday when he had his school annual day. Poor child did not get a signal when to speak /compere and hence did not get his chance to speak. I was so eager to hear him speak and it dint happen...but I knew his disappointment would be larger...I waited for his show to finish and went back stage in frantic search for him..since I just wanted to be there for him..to hear him out... i managed to meet him with tears across powdered cheeks..oh..my...I could cry looking at that innocence. He had never powder on his face as such before for any event and I could imagine those cute behind the stage scenes of getting ready...to face the disappointment that he did. I hugged him hard and told him we could find a corner to talk it out and once we went there, tears rolled freely and he told me he was too scared of what maam would tell him and that he must apologize to her immediately. Oh such innocence..there was nothing he had done wrong and still the pressure to look good for his teacher...I hoped I made him understand the situation...my kutta...you might face bigger moments ..and I can pray. that God give you all the strength to face it...I may not be there every time around to give you the little hugs. 

And cut to today...where he continues to impress me with his interest in art and drawing..... May you find your calling my dear kuttus..let life's pressures not get to you. May the prayers we've learnt help you cope should you face them too....I love you toooo much..more than you think I do... God bless you chikkuchiiii

Thankful for some conversations

This weekend has been good ! Mix of activities...I played the mridangam on Saturday though I did not have class, on Sunday had my class at noon, I (almost) learnt a song over the weekend after a really long time. Sri Varalakshmi Namastubhyam. This singer has sung it so very beautifully  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ua8vZPOPPAA

Then today... I saw a movie Kho Gaye Hum Kahaan..Quite nice..a pretty good message from it. We often try living a life to look good in front of others, are so insecure with what we have because others have much more and we keep living inadequate lives...the comparison never ends. There was quite a strong data point in the movie about one checking phones on an average 224 times a day ! Destroying all possible social connect, spending time with ourselves.....our world is on some platform

Cut to a conversation I had with Nirvaan..over Saturday this week. He came back from his drawing class feeling bummed out that we didnt have enough interiors in our house and he cried :) I felt for him...its not his fault really to feel this way. Kids go see new houses, new things, hear new conversations and then end up building up such feelings. Im so glad I managed to get it out of him. I explained to him why we are prioritizing other things in life such as health, education over splurging on fancy-ing the house. Of course I completely get how he feels. When I used to visit other childen's houses when I was young (I recall especially one friend's house- Rajnita) I used to feel..wow ! Her house is sooo good..like a mini bungalow and I was sometimes embarassed to invite friends home wondering where could they sit [ We had those easy chairs for quite many yrs before we moved onto cane chairs and then sofas] Back then I did not have the guts to even share such feelings with my dad...cause I felt I would be unfair perhaps bringing something up with him (when I saw him through my mom's health/ working so hard) and also because I felt scared. My dear baby...I love you and completely get what you felt..may God give you the wisdom to cope with these moments & to come out with more realisation :)

And then this evening...a chat with a friend..from another religion..but our thoughts so similar! 💕 Here's what we took away..rather I took

--- She said..she prays to God to only give her that much..that will keep her happy with a good night's sleep

-- Said, what we get and what is taken away too is all God's plan

--I should do my best , with a clean conscience and then leave it...cause what we are today is because of what our parents did ...so maybe what I do/how I do is also what Im leaving behind for my son

-- Every day I live in this fear of something going wrong, almost as if Im waiting for THAT moment when things will break down...its impossible to "live" like this... who knows the next breath ...it takes 1 breath..and Im gone.......this office...this manager..that family member...no one will be able to bring me back

-- Of all the people Iv known...my mother is the most contented person I've ever known...and this despite her ill health...she hasnt travelled any place..hasnt had any wishes of visiting hotels/ buying fancy things..and yet.she is the calmest nicest warmest person I have and will ever know 💓💏

May I learn from such things...such people..such conversations...life is fleeting

Today it is some reorg, tomorrow it is something else..nothing will even be permanent...and I cant wrap my head in this worry for ever.....God give me the strength to face my day with calmness..No person can kill who I am...u have given me everything I could have deserved to have...let me be grateful and make the most of what I have

Empathy, 5 sense organs working, a loving healthy son, a voice to sing, an instrument to learn, my loving parents & sister .......thank you God. Make me stronger and less vulnerable to other's opinion and to love this 1 life you've given me with more gratitude

May he get his chance to kick ...!

Today as I was taking my usual walk around the building, I saw my kutta play football with a group of his friends...a sight not too usual, given I've generally not seen him take to the game. Infact he had told me that, because he 'doesnt know the game well' , children did not include him necessarily. Of course, no one wants a game to slow down or to spend time explaining the game to someone who does not know it. ..Well...no one has the patience to include others....

As I saw him hustle around the ball today with his friends, my gaze stood for a while on him and on the ball intently, wishing he gets a chance to kick the ball. Oh the ball went here and there, missed his legs a couple of times...and finally in between he did manage to kick it a wee bit. I was sooo happy for him! It almost felt like a sense of relief ...that he was not 'left out', that he did not feel he 'did not get his chance'...

Sigh...today it is just a frivolous game of ball...what about the larger Kreeda of life as described in Bhaja Govindam. How much would I be able to witness his ebb and flow? How many times would I get to stand by and wish..and wish..oh may he get that chance to kick...ass ! 

I bet I cant capture every such moment..but I can only hope and pray..May GOD give him the strength to face all the moments when the ball evades his leg. I can only pray for that my little..my cute pie

On another thought...I keep feeling..life is so short and there is so much I need to do ..so much more to learn...God thank you for all the small mercies you show me..help me rise above my pettiness and to engage in your thought..Bhaja Govindam. 

Bhaja Govindam- Let us enlighten our way to Jnana

I dont know what made me want to learn its meaning today. I always felt something was special about it. There is some deep philosophy in it that is meant for common man. I did some research on YouTube and found a very simple to understand link . 

Bhaja Govindam Bhaja Govindam

Govindam Bhaja Muudd mathe

Sampraapte sann-nihite kaale

Nahi Nahi rakshati dukrin karane

I remember this picture so well, on the walls of the house I grew in. Sankaracharya sitting on the banks of the Ganga in Varanasi teaching the students Bhaja Govindam, when he sees the copper vessel slide down

Commitments and reminders for 2024

As I start this new year, I want to be reminded by what Swami Chinmayananda said.. "There is really no new year. When we decide to change, is what a New year or a new YOU is about" 

I think that makes so much sense. Having gone through a very intense 2023, I want to start 2024 with certain reminders to my self, not really resolutions. These reminders are based on my learnings in 2023, looking back at instances I dint cope well in. They have been good learning grounds for me to take into 2024. So here's my list

a] I AM capable of doing things. I DONT need validation from people around me to keep me motivated. There have been MANY times I have proved this to myself. NO ONE can make me feel inferior. If I do, I am LETTING them to make me feel so

b] I DON'T need to PLEASE anyone at work. THEY actually DON'T matter to me in life given they are NOT going to be around when I need help. Its OKAY fully to be firm, blunt and LAND your expectations. YOU DONT need to look good for ALL at all. LET them talk about YOU. So WHAT???

c] I SHOULD NOT search for my values at work. Infact let me leave a bit of my soul behind [ not MY values] and enter work. That way I WONT ALLOW myself to get hurt. 

d] DON'T try to be perfect in ANYTHING. It BURNS you out and honestly......the work I do doesnt require it AT ALL. 

e] LEARN to delegate and BE SHAMELESS about it. ITS OK. No one is sitting to attack YOU. They are also SAVING their jobs. 

f] REDUCE time spent online AS MUCH as possible, instead do things you believe ADD value to you- E.g reading a book, listening to carnatic music

g] BE AS ORGANIZED as you can and DO NOT procrastinate wherever possible. When you are at work, YOU ARE AT WORK. Dont browse random sites and then sit through the night working. AS MUCH as you can, take out CLEAN time for yourself. WORK will continue ALWAYS..it NEVER stops. 

h] BE BRAVE. If you lose your job, your role gets exposed...SO WHAT. Surely you will find SOMETHING. If you cant, then who CAN , should be your attitude. YOU CANT LIVE every day in FEAR..you JUST CANT. It will kill you from within. DONT Stress over this job...you have a life BEYOND the last 2 weeks of December

i] DONT fret over her emails.TRUST me, ethics & values are anyways NOT there. YOUR job at work is to do YOUR duty, what YOU are asked. YOU ARE NOT here to establish some ashram. DONT try and find sanity too. The issue is WHEN YOUR EXPECTATIONS DO NOT get met. Start with NOTHING. 

You DONT need to panic with every ping, email at all.. WONT YOU look into it ?? CHILL...she has a way to rattle and your falling for it LIKE AN IDIOT

j] DONT fret every day. THE JOB your entering into MAKES NO SENSE to the world..trust THAT! We are running our own shit show to look busy. PLAY THE GAME WELL. DONT lose it at people at home...for THIS ! YOUR son needs to see a good mother , a kind & patient mother. HE doesnt deserve to be at the RECEIVING END of your work irritation. 

https://hbr.org/2012/12/nine-ways-successful-people-de 

LASTLY PRAY....keep time for your own thoughts, to collect yourself...try reading 1 chapter a day [ away FROM social media...maybe keep time ONLY on a Friday night for it...try it for a week]

YOU need to protect your health. IF NO health..there is nothing left..you know that. Dont STRESS for THIS SHIT ....calm down and count backwards...EVERYTHING can be solved

LOVE Yourself.

THANK You DADDY and be with Me :)