What matters to me...

When I take my evening walks around the building, I often spend time introspecting on how to keep myself positive and motivated when there are many things that pull me down during the day. 

Could be a rude comment, a remark pointing a flaw, stress at work, my son not listening to me when I tell him to do something, not feeling appreciated for what I do, for all that I do.....and then I wonder how can I let someone, something affect me so easily. 

Could I not be stronger? Can I not be a little thick skinned, indifferent? Can I get out of this swirl of attachment, fear & anger... infact I thought about it...Im perhaps attached to very few things..or maybe not? But I operate in the fear zone almost always--which is not often related to attachment- but of something going wrong. 

So is this because Im always attached to "I want this to go fine". Its all too confusing at times. I found this quote that pretty much hit home!

I took a deep breath and thought... what am I grateful for today...

1) That i'm healthy and capable of doing my OWN WORK MYSELF

2) My son is "normal" and "neurotypical" and is able to navigate the world ON HIS OWN

3) Today my parents dont 'need me' and are capable of managing on THEIR OWN

4) I am able to fend for myself and not depend on anyone financially and to a large extent emotionally and physically

This is pretty much it ! What is needed for myself to be grateful for life really. Rest of it...will happen. Life cant be perfect. If I keep trying to chase that perfect world, it will elude me more. 

I cant think more right now. Im tired. I will go to bed. Im glad im able to do things on my own. The significance of which I dont want to understand by falling into a state when I have to depend on someone. Today every time I compare myself and my life to someone else's and think ..Wish I had a cook, wish I had a help...let me perhaps tell myself..by doing it myself what I avoid..

a. Worrying about whether or when the person or help will come

b. What to tell the person to do.. something to monitor

Instead treat anything given to me as duty and do what I can to the best of my ability. Value systems around me need not match. I am who I am and I will not take anyone or anything with me to my grave. Let me take the best version of myself.

I loved this picture I came across of Buddha looking at a full moon. I hope to paint it someday.

Making peace......

 It's tough to quench our desires of wanting more....or to want something to be 'perfect' or lets say the way we want it. As we move into our new house, I have often vacillated between thoughts of "I really wish I could do xyz" to " Finally I ain't going to take my house or the stuff in it to any new world...so make peace with whatever it is" . I feel somewhere, at sometime in my life I might end up feeling...all this was for naught. What I'm trying to reconcile today (sometimes painfully due to differences in opinion...call it better logic, varied perspective or whatever)...feels challenging. Be it say a false ceiling, be it painting walls, be it curtains, be it a cupboard...whatever.. there is a part of me that says "I wish......". The more I battle out these points with the other person in the decision process...I feel exhausted and it pushes me to the other part of the spectrum- which is- let it go ... let go... it all has to go one day. No point clinging onto such opinion..such desires... 

I wonder is it letting the other person ride over me..my own choices. Well maybe..but im perhaps led to better thinking as a human being? Isnt it? There is a certain degree of futility in all this....or maybe I will get it if I were meant to..or maybe at a better time....or maybe God sees another plan in all this? I dont know....all I know is its confusing, tiring, exhausting and somewhere I need to make peace..for myself. Nothing is worth the pain I give to myself. No one need give pain to me too. I dont want to give anybody that permission. 

So if it means adjusting, aligning different perspectives to my self....making peace...so be it. 

Self Love

It's perhaps a topic I should get writing about...given I started this about mid April...gave up half way just posting the title ! and today (May 8th) I had the impetus to write about it. It's needing of some attention at my end then....

I am grateful to myself for all that I do....for the love I show...for the help I render..for the conscience that I rest on. Many people will come and go in my life..some leaving a good impression and some not so good...but I should remember at the end of the day..its an impression...and I have the ability to wipe it. I have tried therapy to feel good about myself...and I am proud..because I care about myself. Let me care a bit more.

For all those days when I have left feeling...do I have confidence? who will give me so? I do feel the need for someone to put their hand over my shoulders and tell me "its going to be ok"....i have not heard it in a long while. For the days I struggle to wake at times to wonder will I be able to be myself..happy and cheerful and helpful and ever ready to do more for others..... You give me little love and I will give you a lot...but one needs a recipient for this too...and if there are none..then I need to tell myself...Its ok..you have been ok...you will be ok.

Its not about materialistic desires..financial support... its the wanting for someone around me to be kind..to give respect..to hear me out..I do have faults..I do have weaknesses..but Im certain Im not manipulative..neither am I selfish..I can go beyond ...but then I am hoping & depending for someone...but Aruna..when have you ? 

Its not that dependence is bad..but every vivid memory of someone making me feel terrible..someone not realising my true worth...makes me pause and feel...is my love worth it? Is my effort worth it? is this all making sense? And should my love be even a 'worth'..maybe not :) Maybe the words that my Balavihar teacher once told really matters- Dont have any expectations and life will be fine. So let love too not have expectations and I build the muscle to not want to be reciprocated. For...I cant change who others are, I can only try to be a better version of who I am

I look upto you Daddy..its been long since I wrote to you...i thought you're there for me..like you're free-er than God..to help me.. do take care of me and I will need your blessings.

And the below photo was in one of Los Angeles's beaches...I took a long walk post office and I recall a long chat too with my friend..we discussed a bit of life, a bit of lack of respect we face and how we surmounted life's challenges as we grew up...this too shall pass ..is what we told each other