Some stars will shine forever!

Exhausted with gawking at this idiot box for what seemed like eternity, i decided to call it a day early today. However as i lay drowsily skimming through channels on TV, a trailer of Devdas (2002) came up announcing a- "Shahrukh Birthday Special "! Watching the scenes of my evergreen superstar deliver his most famous Kaun Khambakth Bardasht karne keliye peeta hai and Ek Din aayega jab Woh kahenge duniyaa hii Chhod do in his classic white dhoti & inebriated state just transported me back in time. It seemed not too long ago when i used to cut pictures from Filmfare/Stardust and paste them on my cupboard! Infact had a chronological list maintained too, of his name in each of his movies ( guess not too hard on the gray cells to evoke this -considering it's often a choice between Raj, Rahul or Arjun ! ), possessed (probably still do!) the celebrated "COOL" chain of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai , had a picture of myself clicked outside the daunting gates of Mannat ! ( yeah..hear the 'eeesh' loud & clear !), watched OSO 1st-day-1st show just before my CAT exam, bunked a Fri in office to catch Don2 ( however mediocre it eventually was!) and having LIVED the day to have met the King himself, in the world of cinema-  if there is someone who has unquestionably remained my all-time favourite - it has to be SRK !

Oct 6th 2010 ~7:40 pm when i lived my dream!!
Unabashedly asked him if i can have my arm
around him...before posing ;) :P
Was generous enough not to refuse ;)

What about him that makes him so endearing ? Hmm...

Acting?- Not really his prowess! But some movies worth a mention here are- Baazigar, DDLJ, Swades, Chak De!, Devdas, My Name his Khan and Veer Zaara

Looks?- Well-lies in the eyes of the beholder! For me it's about specific movies/scene grabs that come up! His innocent look in Pardes as Master Arjun, the scene in DDLJ when he refuses to attend Kajol's wedding in India (with his pronounced adam's apple endowing more charm!),  the getting off the helicopter... ( need'nt elaborate further for SRK fans !!) , balancing his bag strapped across and running the distance to enter the lavishly designed Kjo set in K3G !, the aur paas scene of a love-smitten SRK in DTPH, one more of K3Gs- SRK  peeping through the crowd at Kajol in his Lucknowii kurta as he sings a chup chup ke sharmaae dekhe chori chori....aah the list is endless for me!

Dialogue/Dialogue delivery?- Well some stereotypical ones pop up 1st!  the oft uttered---"ssshhhhh" !, the "hhhhhheyyy", the done-to-death mockery of "kkkkkkk kiran"! Apart from this  my fav picks are- Baazigar's- Kuch jeetne keliye kuch haarna padtha hai....., DDLJ's -"..to bas phir  doli uthne ki der hai" and  Senorita-bade bade deshon mein choti choti baatein hoti rehtii hai", OSOs- Kehte hain ki …… Agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaaho to puri kayanat usey tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai..., DTPH's 'Rahul....naam to sunaa hoga.." ....as much my memory can serve me now!

Well-no one's perfect! He might just not be the best actor time has offered, might not have the best of looks to die for,  might be labelled as "oh that's so typical Shahrukh"... but yeah ! he's just who he is- Sum of all parts much greater than the whole :) ! For all those moments he's made my heart skip a beat with his immaculate charm and ineffaceable gestures-Cheers to Kkkkking Kkkkhan on his 47th birthday!! Some stars just shine forever..... :)

The blessing called Routine

Winding up a day, i generally seek to either read/listen to music/sing ( yeah- staying alone implies only i need to tolerate myself ) or watch something humorous. Today somehow i was up to neither of these options & my mind restlessly scouted for another. And then i recalled i did embark on something called a blog a while ago & i opened it up ! I had clearly reneged on my promise of putting up one post a week. Hmm...then i thought "What the heck ! If everything- even ones' interests,  had to adhere to some timeline, then life can get rather stifling! Cant somethings not go unscheduled in life?" and then something just told me to reconsider this and to be more mindful about my asks. 

"Life" itself is unscheduled! We simply live under notional timelines, deluding ourselves to believe that there's some method to it. For the 'planning' we take pride in today- tomorrow might just throw up something so totally uncalled for. Yup- hear you voices  "that doesnt mean we dont plan at all " ! We should plan ! Cause planning i think connotes positive-thinking & hope that 'there is going to be a tommorow to welcome!" & who doesnt want to welcome a tomorrow- as the saying goes- even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die!. 

Having just returned from seeing my grandmother battle out ( as i write...) one of lifes' uncalled for(s'), watching some near&dear ones in past few months continuing to fight tooth and nail life's vicissitudes and having seen a 'multiple sclerosis'  take my own mother through what could have been a very different journey if not for it, i am meant to only count my blessings & i try as much to do so. However sometimes your thoughts can get so warped by just seeing all of this- that some sort of a paranoia sets in ! ! Paranoia about health! Paranoia about "things going right" ! Paranoia about life in general  & getting out of this warp requires SOME effort . (One can only imagine what people who are going through life's uninvited surprises  must be feeling. Medicines can only do so much to alleviate the suffering - the mind needs to be healed most importantly ! & this doesnt happen easily)

There aint a panacea to this paranoia really...time can probably be a good healer. For now...as a friend told me-i must learn to appreciate what i have ; I can pray, i can hope to be positive, i can probably try not to think too much- (since it only confounds my fears)..... The rest is upto higher powers-  upto 'results' that our way beyond our control.....

If not for acknowledging the blessing called Routine- i think it helps- to count each day as a separate life!*

*Seneca

All for SOME clarity!

Finally i shut my excel screen after ogling at it over 20 hrs in 2 days. ! Expectation set- To make a possible story out of #s. And all this while i thought words were the protagonists of prose! For all the MBA aura and  CAT jazz, my association with #s is as fire is to ice. This drifts me to a 10-point "Things that i must give up moving forward" article a friend of mine shared recently. One point that stood out starkly in this context was "Give up making excuses , instead make decisions". So i ponder on the 1st half of it- if my distress with #s is a mere excuse ? OR could it really be that i am a misfit.? Cause looking at #s , makes me believe i operate in a parallel universe.I am transported to the classroom scene from Taare Zameen Par - where the kid innocently retorts a  "the words are dancing" :) to explain his inability in comprehension.  However 27yrs of age, to have cleared one of the more analytically driven exams,  to have squirmed out rather unscathed of the tunnel called MBA & now seeing the light of an equally data seeking corporate titan, the story of empathy & innocence bailing me out doesn't seem to tie up. And to be fair- why bid for empathy! The job description demands it! Call it fate/ reality/ the 'present'/'choice'- i am where i am. Whether this is what 'i am cut out for or not' can be debated and most often the celebrated "voice deep down below" ( sapped out of clocking record hours of overtime off-late ;))  whispers your deepest desires to you. 

Which takes me to the latter part "...instead make decisions".Undoubtedly the tougher half :)! Adolescence is supposed to be 'THE confusing/unsettling' phase of life! If that was what it was , the post-Qtr life period seems to be battling it out to take the dubious lead ! It isn't much about taking a decision, than it is about "what to decide on''!!Work,  engulfing a major portion of the 7 day week will logically end up being top-of-mind. (brushing aside the recent sudden spurts of an ''impending'' marriage :) ! this for another post considering the "enormous gravity" of its current slumbering state :) !!). And therefore if i were to extrapolate  the future as i stand today grovelling in a sea of indices, i feel nothing, but doomed to look at it for all life! Probe more and i am answer-strapped to questions/thought feeders as these, 'thrown' at me to ruminate over, which i prefer bucketing into the below 2x2

Feel Good Factor	High (Ah! Just needed to hear this-tell me more!)	• What do you think you would want to do if not for this? (Features in below bucket as well-since ‘feel good’ will depend on tone in which it is asked ;) ) • You under-estimate yourself a bit too much! You’re doing fine. Many others are worse off!	• Do what you want to- we live one life! • Agree- move out-start afresh. Nothing’s lost
	Low (Duh! Your making me feel more miserable-regret asking you!)	• What do you think you would want to do if not for this? • You can't really like all of your job-there will be some parts that will always be distasteful • Any job is going to be the same- so don't expect the fictitious new one to salvage you out of current misery • You couldn’t have asked for something better! So stick onto it- you're   anyways infamous for hating something very soon • It’s just a phase! (“duh!’’)	• Stop brooding! Figure out the parts of work you like doing & focus on that • Seriously do something about it! Change or stop grumbling
		Low (Defined as slightly random advice-"Hear you! But honestly you're not giving much direction"!)	High (Person comes across as genuinely interested in you ;))
	Possible Actionability

The high-high response, seems to personify my inner voice. I only need to ACT- when?how? i don't know. Time will tell. 

This prayer i will fall back on , for now....

God, give me the grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Down memory Lane

My sister whispering her  standard line
 to me ...
'Don't act too smart' ;) :)

Come Sunday evening and a ghostly pallor casts itself  -of a seemingly impermanent week ahead ! Time offers no relief as well by going ahead faster than normal, defying all science.

Cut to so called "good ol' school days" - While the burden of paying bills and the obeisance to a clueless goal-less life which has become the order of today ( at least yours truly feels so!) was absent then,  school obviously had its fair share of grief to offer. (not really depicting cynicism about everything in life here- but just an articulation of comparative relief from an individual for whom school was a myopic "i need to discover the recipe to decode every single exam- be it a math quiz or even a (daunting?) needlework/croshay exercise" ) . But yes- when the onerous task of lugging a school bag , was offset by an unexpected holiday announced right at the hallowed gates, the sheer thrill of walking back home now with a surprisingly weightless bag is inexplicable :)!

Cut to something simpler. The delight of a serendipitous 'five hundred rupees-find' in one of your neglected purse nooks!

Well...something's never change! They are some of our perennial favourties trangressing time, age ,gender!

Why orphan out music ?:) Especially since the word itself can evoke a multitude of response-credited to its multifaceted personality. For some it's life's elixir- period! For others it's peace of mind, escape from reality, soul sister to a vodka moment ;) or perhaps-----just memories! Yes-music & memories i believe are hard to decouple! It happens both way. The instance you find yourself in reminds you of a song or sometimes the instant you hear a song your mind revisits a particular phase or moment of your life! And its not JUST the song that does the trick- but the song being there at the RIGHT time ! They just do a Rajni i suppose-Naan eppo varuven eppadi varuvennu yarukkum theriyathu...eppo varunumo appo correctaa varuven...! For those of us who appreciate this it doesn't take a great deal to figure out those evergreen ones associated with a mood(swing :) , occasion in life or another person! 
A misty drive down a rocky terrain, a silenced audience slumped in the car, with  steady pattering rain against the glass takes me back to Anil Kapoor's 'foreboding of some uncertainty' So Gaya Yeh Jahaan. A drive through nature's plush green with a cool breeze whizzing past and my heart strums a Na Jaane Mere..Dil ko kya ho gaya.  A rugged drive, soaring humidity and a "what's life all about" introspection wraps me with a Yeh Dil ..Deewana .. Ah! (yeah! you needn't be necessarily smitten by the love-bug to reminisce this song). A gush of melancholy , 'life's not making sense', 'there's no purpose to it' and the playlist that compliments this is endless ;) - Hey Ajnabee, Sapno se Bhare Naina, Tu Jahaan mein wahaan, Tanhaayeeee, Kal ho na ho ( yes! the 'sad version' in side B of the tape ), Tujhe bhulaa diya..ho...,Do pal rukha.....  A rush of adrenaline, good times to cheer for and it's a foot-tapping Tu toh ainvayi ainvayi, Uyirae Uyirae, Oru Maalai, Dance pe Chance maar le. Well i'm normal too! So, the one-off Cupid arrows that manage to strike past (clearly not struck yet ! ) twang a Roja Jaaneman, Yeh haseen vaadiyan [ do these two songs need to necessarily be mentioned in the same breath always!], Mere haath mein, Suraj Hua Madham, Pehla Pehla Pyaar hai, Chupke se, Chaand ne kuch kaha, Sambhala hain maine.., Khuda Jaaane ke.....and the off-late, bitten by Tamil song bug of Hossana...![ Intend devoting a separate discourse on  this sudden Tamil song infatuation which has consumed most of my mind space in recent times! ]. 

And it's a cocktail of reasons why these songs have established their current identity with the said situation- The background score,  the lyrics, the attitude of the singer, the visualisation of the song in the movie and sometimes.... there's no real reason! They just happen to be there befriending you, adding a bit of flavour to the concoction called life, taking you Down memory Lane....... 

GUrrrrrrGaoN Musings......Not all things in life need make sense!!

To my

Kutty Poochi,

Baby Jun, Junnu Kutty, Junnaboy

J

Hope you feel happier than what you look… reading this some day!!!

For being persistent enough in calling me by not my name…….

Love,

Siyaaaa

Waking up to a rather insistent “brrrr”; evoking “wee-wily-winkie” to down a bottle of milk; staring into nothingness and calling out for a car; watching toys being hurled around and responding to a call- for -action diaper situation were some of the unplanned getaways of my trip. I entered in and we hugged each other as if taking off from where we left.

Subsequently it was about getting updated. I figured I had missed pretty significant stuff- New cars had been added to his repository of toys, he had a new shoe with a car drawn on it, (managing to convince me that it made a “brrrrr”), his books had doubled in his little box and interesting titles such as “Things that move”/ “Goldilocks and three bears” had been added to the collection.  The books played a dual role. Not only were they used for reading, but also served to rest his tired feet, while he halted during many of his trample-around-the-house trips.

Barely 15 months, but he was proficient enough to coerce me into reading out to him his favourite chapter in his favourite book. And I couldn’t escape JUST reading. My tone had to necessarily be peppered with relevant and adequate modulations and inflections. For instance- the picture of the school bus- required me to accentuate it as schooooooool bus and I COULD be rewarded with a cheerful giggle if I also augmented it with a “and it goes Pom Pom…” The flip side of not doing so is not too severe though- apart from visible anger demonstrated via grinding of his 4 teeth, an animated movement of his hands , all set to violently land on my face, head, stomach-well pretty much anywhere! My skin was soon to be punctuated with traces of red marks attributed to his nails. Kisses needed to be persistently demanded with love & again if he “chose” to be gracious enough , occasionally I was the recipient of one sloppy whoosh of his tongue. Sheer excitement followed everytime I got hold of the car keys. It would range from a little jig around the spot, to dragging his “weighed-down-by-diapers” tiny bottom to get his shoes. I would unquestioningly have to then assist him to slide his feet into them (mind you! YOU do get chided/grunted at if HIS leg doesn’t go in seamlessly!) . The outcome is worth a watch though. A scurry to the lift and an unparalled  joyous wait for the lift to negotiate its way through 17 floors. Getting the car out of the garage was a tough battle- with  his suspicious eyes doubting that I might just leave him behind.

Time at home was no less colorful. The house often drew the semblance of one that was rattled- vessels strewn around; food in food out was the order of the day- could be poop or could be his fingers artistically at work  inside his mouth drawing out the not-so relishable pieces. Piano lessons (read inflicting damage on the keys) was part of his agenda IF it was part of mine. He had to totter to where I sat , straining his tiny hands towards me to lift him and place him on my lap.

And then it’s time for night to descend  and for wee-wili-winkie to be reminded of his obligations…only soon to be forgotten….only to switch of the lights and prop a bottle of milk in baby’s mouth….only to caress his feather like hair and plant many a soft kiss….only to sing …..

Rain Rain go away

Come again another day

Rain Rain go to Spain

Never show your face again J

Well- not all things in life need make sense  J

Of Castles.....

Of clenched fists and first encounters the odyssey begins. What could be aptly christened “The battle of birth” remains anonymous, for the innocent mind has nothing to compare. Unsullied, anew with vigor the move can only be forward – no strappings of a ‘debilitating past’ to reverse gears!

I grope- I lay the walls of my little house

To be the aegis of my dreams

Clasping onto sand with mighty will

Of roots founded on dreams of beneath-your–breath wishes, of unaccomplished deeds, of castles…..

Then there are the phases-(in)significant milestones building over each other ostensibly leading me to the portico of a coveted destination- of myriad possibilities, of hard to quell desires, of never to be reneged pronouncements- unleashing the floodgates of what I covertly guarded-of murmured wishes, of within-my-grasp deeds, also of castles….

I burnish the walls of my mansion

Guarding it- akin a well-kept secret

I elevate the bar to scale new heights

Naïve of the roots that held the daunting beams

The evening rays streaked in through my castle- casting a deep hue over the scarlet baked bricks. Was it a glow of satisfaction or was it life’s reminder of bricks aged over the years? I stood as an owner of my dreams –my castle a paragon of accomplishment. I clasped my coat on tightly – the wind circled fiercely throwing the gauntlet to noisy gulls. I felt the ground beneath my feet quiver- I held onto the keys of my castle- but hither do I take it? My castle- the epicenter of my life was the protagonist of the finale…A lifetime spent on building the walls had transpired----the roots lay exposed to nature’s sojourn to life

If only I knew the root of labour

Lay in a “breath”

As life’s only gift is life itself

Of thoughts that build the frame of mind…

Of Castles ….Weathered away by time

A String....of Thoughts?

Strings!