A new interest?

Its been a good start to the year...I think one thing that Iv kept at has been listening to carnatic music. Im so glad I attended the Raga concert in Hyd. I want to make this happen often and keep my interest alive. Nothing like music to uplift me. I am happiest around it, with it and in it. Often we are told..do what makes you happy...music has been that constant. I enjoyed dressing up for the event and here I am very happy moments before I left for the concert

Sometimes I wonder am I even cut out to do anything remotely associated with work, numbers what not...I feel it takes a lot out of me to 'fit in' to this world. I love something creative...something where there are no defined boundaries beyond a few. But work happens to be the 'driver'. Recently while planning the trip to Paris....we considered business class..something which I would not have been able to think about, had it not been for my work. I feel great and grateful to God for having given me such a career...I feel at times there are much more deserving people, but God has been kind to me. Thank you God.

I have an equally understanding son... he surprised me when he said "mumma lets not spend so much..lets do business class later"...so much thoughtfulness. I love you kutta... You surprise me every other day with your kindness & generosity. Your sooooo much more than we see you 💕 

Suddenly a thought sprung into my mind today....should I learn the violin...Iv heard its tough...THERE I GO AGAIN...always limiting..always throttling my life with ifs, buts and the worst...but this is 1 life..if not now..then when??

 

Will it ever cease.....perhaps no

I wake up almost every day....with a thought going to...what if I lose my job..what if what I do is not valued....coupled with a huge sense of being an imposter...

Today someone in office told me..that there is a possible rumor that my role gets folded into another org..and lo and behold that continued to play in every action /thought of mine post that moment...

I cant just operate this way....my 1 life..the only 1 life of a few more years will just go by like this...stiffling and crazy with such thoughts. I can feel my heart beat faster..my stress levels going up with shoulder aches..what childhood am I showing my son with my behavior as such....Aruna.....calm down.. 🩷....who are you trying to please? some asshole of a GTM who has a point of view on your org?? and you're looking to justify the work of this org in 6 months?? Cmon! Take a deep breath......few points to note darling

a) Yes anything can happen tomorrow...who knows

b) Do what you can with your head down--- work, network, do what it takes and then RELAX

c) Write down a few things that bother you......what (some) aspects can you take control of, what cant you...let go of those

d) There is no permanence to anything...you worrying about the day when you're going to be the chosen one for something...well...we are all going one day .... what will happen will be for your good..trust God..

dont worry Aruna...u CANT KILL YOURSELF overs some perception..HELL WITH IT....you ARE NOT THE MESS around you

My dear kutta

There's always something special I find with my kuttu...and I ensure I remind him every day of how special he is to me 

This takes me back to last Saturday when he had his school annual day. Poor child did not get a signal when to speak /compere and hence did not get his chance to speak. I was so eager to hear him speak and it dint happen...but I knew his disappointment would be larger...I waited for his show to finish and went back stage in frantic search for him..since I just wanted to be there for him..to hear him out... i managed to meet him with tears across powdered cheeks..oh..my...I could cry looking at that innocence. He had never powder on his face as such before for any event and I could imagine those cute behind the stage scenes of getting ready...to face the disappointment that he did. I hugged him hard and told him we could find a corner to talk it out and once we went there, tears rolled freely and he told me he was too scared of what maam would tell him and that he must apologize to her immediately. Oh such innocence..there was nothing he had done wrong and still the pressure to look good for his teacher...I hoped I made him understand the situation...my kutta...you might face bigger moments ..and I can pray. that God give you all the strength to face it...I may not be there every time around to give you the little hugs. 

And cut to today...where he continues to impress me with his interest in art and drawing..... May you find your calling my dear kuttus..let life's pressures not get to you. May the prayers we've learnt help you cope should you face them too....I love you toooo much..more than you think I do... God bless you chikkuchiiii

Thankful for some conversations

This weekend has been good ! Mix of activities...I played the mridangam on Saturday though I did not have class, on Sunday had my class at noon, I (almost) learnt a song over the weekend after a really long time. Sri Varalakshmi Namastubhyam. This singer has sung it so very beautifully  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ua8vZPOPPAA

Then today... I saw a movie Kho Gaye Hum Kahaan..Quite nice..a pretty good message from it. We often try living a life to look good in front of others, are so insecure with what we have because others have much more and we keep living inadequate lives...the comparison never ends. There was quite a strong data point in the movie about one checking phones on an average 224 times a day ! Destroying all possible social connect, spending time with ourselves.....our world is on some platform

Cut to a conversation I had with Nirvaan..over Saturday this week. He came back from his drawing class feeling bummed out that we didnt have enough interiors in our house and he cried :) I felt for him...its not his fault really to feel this way. Kids go see new houses, new things, hear new conversations and then end up building up such feelings. Im so glad I managed to get it out of him. I explained to him why we are prioritizing other things in life such as health, education over splurging on fancy-ing the house. Of course I completely get how he feels. When I used to visit other childen's houses when I was young (I recall especially one friend's house- Rajnita) I used to feel..wow ! Her house is sooo good..like a mini bungalow and I was sometimes embarassed to invite friends home wondering where could they sit [ We had those easy chairs for quite many yrs before we moved onto cane chairs and then sofas] Back then I did not have the guts to even share such feelings with my dad...cause I felt I would be unfair perhaps bringing something up with him (when I saw him through my mom's health/ working so hard) and also because I felt scared. My dear baby...I love you and completely get what you felt..may God give you the wisdom to cope with these moments & to come out with more realisation :)

And then this evening...a chat with a friend..from another religion..but our thoughts so similar! 💕 Here's what we took away..rather I took

--- She said..she prays to God to only give her that much..that will keep her happy with a good night's sleep

-- Said, what we get and what is taken away too is all God's plan

--I should do my best , with a clean conscience and then leave it...cause what we are today is because of what our parents did ...so maybe what I do/how I do is also what Im leaving behind for my son

-- Every day I live in this fear of something going wrong, almost as if Im waiting for THAT moment when things will break down...its impossible to "live" like this... who knows the next breath ...it takes 1 breath..and Im gone.......this office...this manager..that family member...no one will be able to bring me back

-- Of all the people Iv known...my mother is the most contented person I've ever known...and this despite her ill health...she hasnt travelled any place..hasnt had any wishes of visiting hotels/ buying fancy things..and yet.she is the calmest nicest warmest person I have and will ever know 💓💏

May I learn from such things...such people..such conversations...life is fleeting

Today it is some reorg, tomorrow it is something else..nothing will even be permanent...and I cant wrap my head in this worry for ever.....God give me the strength to face my day with calmness..No person can kill who I am...u have given me everything I could have deserved to have...let me be grateful and make the most of what I have

Empathy, 5 sense organs working, a loving healthy son, a voice to sing, an instrument to learn, my loving parents & sister .......thank you God. Make me stronger and less vulnerable to other's opinion and to love this 1 life you've given me with more gratitude

May he get his chance to kick ...!

Today as I was taking my usual walk around the building, I saw my kutta play football with a group of his friends...a sight not too usual, given I've generally not seen him take to the game. Infact he had told me that, because he 'doesnt know the game well' , children did not include him necessarily. Of course, no one wants a game to slow down or to spend time explaining the game to someone who does not know it. ..Well...no one has the patience to include others....

As I saw him hustle around the ball today with his friends, my gaze stood for a while on him and on the ball intently, wishing he gets a chance to kick the ball. Oh the ball went here and there, missed his legs a couple of times...and finally in between he did manage to kick it a wee bit. I was sooo happy for him! It almost felt like a sense of relief ...that he was not 'left out', that he did not feel he 'did not get his chance'...

Sigh...today it is just a frivolous game of ball...what about the larger Kreeda of life as described in Bhaja Govindam. How much would I be able to witness his ebb and flow? How many times would I get to stand by and wish..and wish..oh may he get that chance to kick...ass ! 

I bet I cant capture every such moment..but I can only hope and pray..May GOD give him the strength to face all the moments when the ball evades his leg. I can only pray for that my little..my cute pie

On another thought...I keep feeling..life is so short and there is so much I need to do ..so much more to learn...God thank you for all the small mercies you show me..help me rise above my pettiness and to engage in your thought..Bhaja Govindam. 

Bhaja Govindam- Let us enlighten our way to Jnana

I dont know what made me want to learn its meaning today. I always felt something was special about it. There is some deep philosophy in it that is meant for common man. I did some research on YouTube and found a very simple to understand link . 

Bhaja Govindam Bhaja Govindam

Govindam Bhaja Muudd mathe

Sampraapte sann-nihite kaale

Nahi Nahi rakshati dukrin karane

I remember this picture so well, on the walls of the house I grew in. Sankaracharya sitting on the banks of the Ganga in Varanasi teaching the students Bhaja Govindam, when he sees the copper vessel slide down

Commitments and reminders for 2024

As I start this new year, I want to be reminded by what Swami Chinmayananda said.. "There is really no new year. When we decide to change, is what a New year or a new YOU is about" 

I think that makes so much sense. Having gone through a very intense 2023, I want to start 2024 with certain reminders to my self, not really resolutions. These reminders are based on my learnings in 2023, looking back at instances I dint cope well in. They have been good learning grounds for me to take into 2024. So here's my list

a] I AM capable of doing things. I DONT need validation from people around me to keep me motivated. There have been MANY times I have proved this to myself. NO ONE can make me feel inferior. If I do, I am LETTING them to make me feel so

b] I DON'T need to PLEASE anyone at work. THEY actually DON'T matter to me in life given they are NOT going to be around when I need help. Its OKAY fully to be firm, blunt and LAND your expectations. YOU DONT need to look good for ALL at all. LET them talk about YOU. So WHAT???

c] I SHOULD NOT search for my values at work. Infact let me leave a bit of my soul behind [ not MY values] and enter work. That way I WONT ALLOW myself to get hurt. 

d] DON'T try to be perfect in ANYTHING. It BURNS you out and honestly......the work I do doesnt require it AT ALL. 

e] LEARN to delegate and BE SHAMELESS about it. ITS OK. No one is sitting to attack YOU. They are also SAVING their jobs. 

f] REDUCE time spent online AS MUCH as possible, instead do things you believe ADD value to you- E.g reading a book, listening to carnatic music

g] BE AS ORGANIZED as you can and DO NOT procrastinate wherever possible. When you are at work, YOU ARE AT WORK. Dont browse random sites and then sit through the night working. AS MUCH as you can, take out CLEAN time for yourself. WORK will continue ALWAYS..it NEVER stops. 

h] BE BRAVE. If you lose your job, your role gets exposed...SO WHAT. Surely you will find SOMETHING. If you cant, then who CAN , should be your attitude. YOU CANT LIVE every day in FEAR..you JUST CANT. It will kill you from within. DONT Stress over this job...you have a life BEYOND the last 2 weeks of December

i] DONT fret over her emails.TRUST me, ethics & values are anyways NOT there. YOUR job at work is to do YOUR duty, what YOU are asked. YOU ARE NOT here to establish some ashram. DONT try and find sanity too. The issue is WHEN YOUR EXPECTATIONS DO NOT get met. Start with NOTHING. 

You DONT need to panic with every ping, email at all.. WONT YOU look into it ?? CHILL...she has a way to rattle and your falling for it LIKE AN IDIOT

j] DONT fret every day. THE JOB your entering into MAKES NO SENSE to the world..trust THAT! We are running our own shit show to look busy. PLAY THE GAME WELL. DONT lose it at people at home...for THIS ! YOUR son needs to see a good mother , a kind & patient mother. HE doesnt deserve to be at the RECEIVING END of your work irritation. 

https://hbr.org/2012/12/nine-ways-successful-people-de 

LASTLY PRAY....keep time for your own thoughts, to collect yourself...try reading 1 chapter a day [ away FROM social media...maybe keep time ONLY on a Friday night for it...try it for a week]

YOU need to protect your health. IF NO health..there is nothing left..you know that. Dont STRESS for THIS SHIT ....calm down and count backwards...EVERYTHING can be solved

LOVE Yourself.

THANK You DADDY and be with Me :) 

What matters to me...

When I take my evening walks around the building, I often spend time introspecting on how to keep myself positive and motivated when there are many things that pull me down during the day. 

Could be a rude comment, a remark pointing a flaw, stress at work, my son not listening to me when I tell him to do something, not feeling appreciated for what I do, for all that I do.....and then I wonder how can I let someone, something affect me so easily. 

Could I not be stronger? Can I not be a little thick skinned, indifferent? Can I get out of this swirl of attachment, fear & anger... infact I thought about it...Im perhaps attached to very few things..or maybe not? But I operate in the fear zone almost always--which is not often related to attachment- but of something going wrong. 

So is this because Im always attached to "I want this to go fine". Its all too confusing at times. I found this quote that pretty much hit home!

I took a deep breath and thought... what am I grateful for today...

1) That i'm healthy and capable of doing my OWN WORK MYSELF

2) My son is "normal" and "neurotypical" and is able to navigate the world ON HIS OWN

3) Today my parents dont 'need me' and are capable of managing on THEIR OWN

4) I am able to fend for myself and not depend on anyone financially and to a large extent emotionally and physically

This is pretty much it ! What is needed for myself to be grateful for life really. Rest of it...will happen. Life cant be perfect. If I keep trying to chase that perfect world, it will elude me more. 

I cant think more right now. Im tired. I will go to bed. Im glad im able to do things on my own. The significance of which I dont want to understand by falling into a state when I have to depend on someone. Today every time I compare myself and my life to someone else's and think ..Wish I had a cook, wish I had a help...let me perhaps tell myself..by doing it myself what I avoid..

a. Worrying about whether or when the person or help will come

b. What to tell the person to do.. something to monitor

Instead treat anything given to me as duty and do what I can to the best of my ability. Value systems around me need not match. I am who I am and I will not take anyone or anything with me to my grave. Let me take the best version of myself.

I loved this picture I came across of Buddha looking at a full moon. I hope to paint it someday.