Making peace......

 It's tough to quench our desires of wanting more....or to want something to be 'perfect' or lets say the way we want it. As we move into our new house, I have often vacillated between thoughts of "I really wish I could do xyz" to " Finally I ain't going to take my house or the stuff in it to any new world...so make peace with whatever it is" . I feel somewhere, at sometime in my life I might end up feeling...all this was for naught. What I'm trying to reconcile today (sometimes painfully due to differences in opinion...call it better logic, varied perspective or whatever)...feels challenging. Be it say a false ceiling, be it painting walls, be it curtains, be it a cupboard...whatever.. there is a part of me that says "I wish......". The more I battle out these points with the other person in the decision process...I feel exhausted and it pushes me to the other part of the spectrum- which is- let it go ... let go... it all has to go one day. No point clinging onto such opinion..such desires... 

I wonder is it letting the other person ride over me..my own choices. Well maybe..but im perhaps led to better thinking as a human being? Isnt it? There is a certain degree of futility in all this....or maybe I will get it if I were meant to..or maybe at a better time....or maybe God sees another plan in all this? I dont know....all I know is its confusing, tiring, exhausting and somewhere I need to make peace..for myself. Nothing is worth the pain I give to myself. No one need give pain to me too. I dont want to give anybody that permission. 

So if it means adjusting, aligning different perspectives to my self....making peace...so be it. 

Self Love

It's perhaps a topic I should get writing about...given I started this about mid April...gave up half way just posting the title ! and today (May 8th) I had the impetus to write about it. It's needing of some attention at my end then....

I am grateful to myself for all that I do....for the love I show...for the help I render..for the conscience that I rest on. Many people will come and go in my life..some leaving a good impression and some not so good...but I should remember at the end of the day..its an impression...and I have the ability to wipe it. I have tried therapy to feel good about myself...and I am proud..because I care about myself. Let me care a bit more.

For all those days when I have left feeling...do I have confidence? who will give me so? I do feel the need for someone to put their hand over my shoulders and tell me "its going to be ok"....i have not heard it in a long while. For the days I struggle to wake at times to wonder will I be able to be myself..happy and cheerful and helpful and ever ready to do more for others..... You give me little love and I will give you a lot...but one needs a recipient for this too...and if there are none..then I need to tell myself...Its ok..you have been ok...you will be ok.

Its not about materialistic desires..financial support... its the wanting for someone around me to be kind..to give respect..to hear me out..I do have faults..I do have weaknesses..but Im certain Im not manipulative..neither am I selfish..I can go beyond ...but then I am hoping & depending for someone...but Aruna..when have you ? 

Its not that dependence is bad..but every vivid memory of someone making me feel terrible..someone not realising my true worth...makes me pause and feel...is my love worth it? Is my effort worth it? is this all making sense? And should my love be even a 'worth'..maybe not :) Maybe the words that my Balavihar teacher once told really matters- Dont have any expectations and life will be fine. So let love too not have expectations and I build the muscle to not want to be reciprocated. For...I cant change who others are, I can only try to be a better version of who I am

I look upto you Daddy..its been long since I wrote to you...i thought you're there for me..like you're free-er than God..to help me.. do take care of me and I will need your blessings.

And the below photo was in one of Los Angeles's beaches...I took a long walk post office and I recall a long chat too with my friend..we discussed a bit of life, a bit of lack of respect we face and how we surmounted life's challenges as we grew up...this too shall pass ..is what we told each other