All's well.....

Dear Daddy,

You know the state Im in now...preparing for that Director interview..its all so confusing to be honest...over the last couple of months, Im having a strange vision of a future without me chasing this hustle, this corporate bshit..(again im not taking away all that you have graced me with)..but Im really seeing a world where I can be more calm, more with myself and more at peace...without excessively breaking my head about what others think of me, of what I say etc..I just want financial independence..maybe I work that out? Can you help me work that out....

Its interesting that Im thinking of this at a time Im preparing for these interviews....hence feels like unsettling in a way..I was telling chikki this, this morning and he said just one line "in that case, next 2 yrs work with all your heart..." . I was a bit taken aback...I asked him, what do you mean by that. and he said "work really hard and collect money"...I was even more taken aback..I asked him...but what have I been doing for the last 16 yrs...he said.".No..you did work because you had to..but now do it with your heart, not mind"....WOW...so deep...he is the BEST...you I mean kutta..your the best..you surprise me every single time with your magical words

I am telling myself a few things 

1. I have enough...rather..I will also take stock..but I feel I do

2. Nobody has figured shit out- why am I BREAKING my head about what others think of me

3. I am enough myself...I DONT NEED to look perfect...

4. Let me be in the moment...not in a FUTURE

5. I have always got what I deserve and at times, it feels MORE than what I deserve.

6. NOTHING IN WHAT I DO..ABSOLUTELY NOTHING..is critical or anything worth giving my health and mental well being

God, Iv never WANTED anything..other than my peace of mind....PLEASE keep me calm....I love you dearly Daddy..love you

Daddy- Aug 4th 2026---- by Aug 4th 2028 I want to move on to a new chapter . Help me 🙏

My dear son- we will get more time together

Dear Kuttu

I simply love the chats with you. I love the Q "Mumma shall we go for a walk"....and your constant "Tell something na..." OR "today we did not have one particular topic"......these walks are precious..this time is priceless

I know some of the discussions we have had recently, around my potential new Director role.....and your very simple questions like " Do you really have to take it...why do you ....we have enough money no....are u going to be spending less time with me".... or your answer to my Q on " Kutta what would be your kind of perfect life/the way you'd like to live/ how you'd like your parents to be"..to which you said " Id like to live in a bungalow, with 2 floors, my mother should not be working and my father to be a doctor or a Software engineer"....

Hmm...all this makes my heart heavy- at a time when I also feel overwhelmed at work, not trusting my own abilities and feeling a huge sense of impostor. I remember we spoke on 6th Sept or so...that maybe in another 2 yrs I retire from Google..and I saw the GLEE on your face... Its stamped quite 'vividly' :) 

You keep giving me feedback saying I should spend more time & cried the other day for just giving you ten minutes of the day...but when I spend time with you, you dont callout saying I did...you had again a very simple perspective to it..."Mumma when ur there- im just in the moment..happy...hence i dont think all that".. 💕💕😘😘 my cutie pie..ur the CUTEST

Love you kutta..I hope i balance life better and get to live the moments i keep having in my head....

ur the most iv loved anybody and I ever will. 

Love mumma

You wanted to Twin like Thatha and loved his shirt 💖

Small things and so precious!

Omg! I got these cutest videos of my chikki and I have been watching them non stop multiple times. 

My dear son- cant believe you've grown so much. Please dont grow so fast 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And just now look at these cutieeee pie videos

Happiness is what your mind talks to you

They say whatever happens around you..can continue to...but how your mind reacts and shapes your mood---determines your own reactions to the situation. This is so true.... You know what...I got my new car yesterday...nothing that Im happy or anything ; I am grateful thats all and amazed at how much God lets me 'have it' all. Just pure gratitude. Like sometimes I am in awe--at how blessed I can get. I hope I dont ever take all this for granted..ever. 

I was constantly asked ..party party...frankly nothing excites me. I dont know God...im sorry. I feel burntout-- I dont want to use such words.. but I do feel that way. I really do. I am feeling burnt out of this constant living 'under threat' mindset..I read somewhere my mind has the same reaction to everything at times...like a cheetah is after me. Its unable to distinguish. 

Im not trying to use /reinforce such theory upon me...but somehow I feel like accepting it, because this is highly similar to how I feel 

Today morning it felt another 'attempt' to go out for breakfast...So much of chaos- Nirvaan not wanting to go to a place...S I think at some level not wanting to go at all.... you know what God....I DONT WANT to go anywhere...I want to be happy with where I am...ironical..I HAVE EVERYTHING...we have EVERYTHING..EVERY DAMN THING..and then there is no smile, there is barking all around..chaos...shouting... I dont want anything God....If I ever 'ask' you for anything..remind me God..that I dont need anything...

I dont want to go out anywhere unhappy. somehow God nothing gives me excitement-- maybe somewhere I feel this is all an illusion......

Happiness is a state of mind

Not when we get something or not

Not when we have something or not

It is a state of calm 

Knowing that you are enough, you have more than enough

and that I will finally not take anything along with me

And Yet again.....and for what

Yet again lost my cool with my kuttu..UNNECESSARILY..TOTALLY..ALWAYS this is the feeling... he is going to be a flicker in my life...the one that keeps my heart yearning for more and I end up messing up with that....I seek forgiveness....and I need help God...to control myself...to remind myself that...

1. This work ...what I do... I will be replaced

2. I am SUCH AN INSIGNIFICANT person in the scheme of things- but an important one for my son

3. Life is TRULY short ..happiness is what is TODAY..my parents alive..my chikki near me..always

4. There is NO LOSS NOR WIN...in life..we are all going to LOSE..all going to GIVE UP and GO

5. God has given me MORE THAN enough....I have a working body, I have good health...I am ENOUGH...I AM MORE THAN I can be

I prostrate at your lotus feet ..Om Sri Sainatha Namah....to this day when I cried asking your help. Keep me in your control

Kindness & Karma

I read somewhere that's its easy to be rude, tough to be kind. The world will be better to live in, if we are kind to each other.

I feel I fall so flat here- my tempers are always on the rise, I feel burnt out and I let myself feel so- because work is the only thing I fall back on 'for myself' ; for 'my identity' ; for my 'independence'..... but its having an impact Im sure on my kuttu-- on whom I get pissed off quite easily---- cause Im also tired and I dont get a 'confidence-giving' ecosystem of 'dont worry- we will figure it out 'together' '- Its almost always- ok dont do if u dont want to / or I would not do it if I were you..... but so many years.....so many...i have worked ..worked v v hard........given the family a roof to stay in peacefully....given much comfort to my son......... I dont know God....why do I seek validation on this...not validation, but acknowledgment.... I thought I had got better....well I have got better, but situations come and remind me otherwise. 

Im sorry to my son- I shout a lot in my tiredness....for what...bringing up my angst of someone else on his small soul. Im sorry God..Im truly sorry. 

I know we shouldnt expect- I will try not to- Let karma take its course.. I will let it be. 

How people treat me, is their choice! Kuttu well done too

I read this somewhere or heard in some reel - that how people treat me is their choice. Thats true...and the person goes onto say, it can be due to various deficiencies in people. Vitamin D- D for Divinity, Vitamin W- W for wisdom, Vitamin I for Emotional intelligence. I cant control my uncontrollables. Hence need to let it be. 

My kuttu is the cutest. on Friday after a long drawn discussion on why I couldn't make it to the afternoon building lunch--- he tells me "Mumma you do what you want ..why do you care".. then goes onto ask "Should I make anything for you to eat" ... "Maybe you have nuts...what they gave in the flight"...

Kutta your the nicest. Im sure you will grow up to be a gentleman ! 💕💞 

Kutta you did so well in your 5th final exams. Superb marks !! You worked hard and the fact that you cared for your performance showed !!

To celebrate this amazing work- we got you a small gift. Hope you enjoy reading !

I am work in progress

Dear Chikki

I love you a lot ..you know that. I think but there is a side of me you wish you had more of...my calm self, giving you more time, more (?!) attention....somehow I know I am not doing a great job there. 

I recall asking you sometime back...tell me what would be 1 thing you'd want from your mother..and you said "She be present when I return from school"... 😢. I know that feeling. I have been privileged to have that luxury with my mother at home ALWAYS available. ALWAYS. with some banana shake, popcorn or something that Id look forward to. She would walk to Bun World and by sponge cake and chips. I recall the aluminium dabba it would be kept in and she would hide one more extra packet in the kitchen. 

And..yeah some days ..maybe many days when u walk in chikki im not at home. Im sorry. I really am. I need my work..I need to work...to give you some other things...things I dont need to depend asking someone for..things that I can buy without feeling guilty..things that I can spend on when u just ask me for it....and to just feel financially free da. Without this job, I dont think I can do that.

Also you told me 2-3 things that stuck with me

1. If I can change my job and do something less demanding

2. If I can get to a lower level- whether thats even a possibility !💞🥰

hmmmm...I know I can do better da... I will try. I am work in progress. I will always give my best to you...atleast I want to 

Hari Om. End of an Era. She will always be there

I cant believe my last post was a Hari Om post detailing the love and affection my Guru bestowed upon Nirvaan....and today (7th March 2026) aunty is no more.... I tear up everytime I think about her, about my memories associated with Balavihar and the amount of grounding she has instituted in me. No one can replace the love and purity of blessings she gave. They say...very few people touch your lives ..and she has been one of them. So many memories of aunty come flooding by. I recall every competition I have attended with her grace- be it the very 1st one when her mother was alive too- Guru Stotram, or Ajaya Namah where I got the 1st prize thanks to aunty's blessings....and the numerous Balavihar classes- I recall attending every Saturday 5pm..walking down the lanes of Malleswaram...entering 5th main road......it wont be the same again

Sit straight children...close your eyes.....chant with devotion.... Om..Sahana Vavatu.....her voice rings in my head loud and clear. Towards the end of the class, she would tell short stories....stories that have always left some telling impact..of gratitude, of kindness, of devotion, of the power of prayer...small children would listen ..I listened too as a child, probably not making much sense of it then... But today....as I face numerous situations in life the subconscious mind rings loud ; conscience in me tells me right from wrong...and I couldnt be more grateful to her. Her "Open your books..and write down today's saying.."...something v v simple-- but such a powerful reminder it has been.

And then - she calling out to her house help and telling her to bring the box of chocolates , as we would line up for prasadam...none of this will happen again....it will all be a memory only... 

I recall visiting aunty after marriage to take blessings and one sentence she said...which I remind myself even today "Aruna, Dont expect anything in the marriage...dont expect anything from your partner" 

I can only say I have been blessed and I will continue to pray to her for guiding me, to continue giving me confidence, for encouraging me, motivating me and to stay beside Nirvaan as he grows up to be a fine young kind man. 

Hari Om Aruna......that voice will never die...will never

5-6pm on Saturday will never be forgotten....

Hari Om Aunty..u have blessed so many children and families. Hari Om

Hari Om. May you be blessed my dear

Last week or so chikki had his first ever Chinmaya mission competition on Bhagwad Gita chapter 15. Wow we practiced a lot ! ! This goes back to what my dad always tells ....do whatever you do with full dedication, otherwise dont do it. I keep telling this to my kuttu. I know I can be a nag, because I want this done EVERY single time. and he's a kuttu..so he doesnt !!!

But for Bhagwad Gita...we worked so hard. I taught him first ! (it was my 1st time too learning it). Got Balavihar aunty to rehearse and correct his mistakes..and it was sooo amazing that he made it to the district level from his school. Agree not many participants :) but it was such a boost

For the district level we had to go to another school. Chinmaya Vidyalaya and we were so excited (well ofc I was more!). It seemed to take me back to the days when I was learning. I entered the premises and so many ..so many memories flooded in. I held back my tears- -because every such instance is a reminder of who i was, who I am and who I want to stay being as.....I saw the OM lamp, I saw Swami Chinmaya's paduka /photo and just the program with so many children gathering made me feel..so so nice and just a feel good that Im (hopefully) passing on my culture to my little boy. To confess I sometimes feel that I carry the weight of passing good virtues/ concept of prayer/ the poise of dedication all alone. But then, if I reflect even in my upbringing it was my dad who was more vocal about this, not necessarily mom who is generally more sedate about these things

The program started and the Swami who led the kick off, said such an amazing line about how we should compete NOT with others but getting better than our own selves. Such profound words

The kids went into their respective rooms and I walked around to the nearby temple and just sat. Such bliss....again memories flooded. every time I walk into 'my space' I end up crying. I sometimes, in the daily race of things, in the rudeness of what I face, in the situations I put my ego ahead, tend to forget that Im actually blessed with this upbringing to lean on. I feel I have faced situations I did not deserve..to be treated disrespectfully....I did not deserve it..and then I tell myself...wiping my tears off...that mom did not deserve MS...dad DID NOT deserve to be caged his life caretaking....we ALL have a cross to carry...beauty is in showing to God...we can carry it well...that we are grateful for the SO MANY good things he has given me which I take for granted

I had a lovely lunch prasadam. Kuttus was bored a bit given we spent nearly 4 hrs since 8am. He did not win....a bit of a bummer---BUT this day gave me a lot. every such thing teaches me something...why am I in the race to 'perfect' my own son..let him enjoy failure, let him learn from it. He felt bad too- and im glad he did. Effort when sincere always hurts when we dont get the reward. 

Aside this-- just seeing chikki grow to a beautiful boy..such an amazing heart and receptive mind he has...I am always IMPRESSED.. 

We also had a good outing to visit a magic show ! probably my 1st time too , like it was for chikki. Probably also one of the very few days when there was some kindness overall as a family shown :) Ok I wont drag this 

He had his own learning lession last week in the school picnic when he playfully took someone's chappals and threatened his friend that he would put it out of the window...(looks like 1 fell...)....but he got a life lesson...NEVER TO TELL SELECTIVE truths...its always better to say the full truth and to keep the heart light. 

My chikki got so worked up ...fact that his class teacher Latha mam also shouted at him !! he was scared to go to school and infact got potty twice that morning!!! my chikkiiii- but this is how u will learn  ... and I hope the learning always stays with you...to remind you....KEEP A CLEAN heart....u will shine

Like I always tell you da....BEING KIND is tough....play the tough role !!

Muuuaahhh kuttuuu !!!! love u infinitely !!!

P.S also btw I attempted my 1st rava laddoo for Diwali. The only comment I first got is "Too much neii". Anyways Im used to it- you cant expect appreciation from someone who doesnt have it in them to give it! 😇. I thought it came out quite well !! I dont hate cooking- but having been rubbed off in the wrong side so many times...given im not interested in eating...I feel like giving a damn and not MAKING anything also :)

I have more than enough

The last few weeks have been very rewarding in so many ways..... I keep reminding myself...I am immensely blessed. Stars aligned and we could visit the children's orphanage that I so wanted to go to and take chikki along. and was I not moved...I came home and cried quite a bit. That whole image of walking in, seeing children welcome me, I walked up to the stairs of the girl's house...and I saw those little girls all scattered around, living out of trunks...such a sign of impermanence...and then the scene of the little one trying to comb her hair and putting those little clips all by herself and then looking up and smiling at me, looking at her....umm...I crumbled mentally. No one to hold her little cheek, jaw and comb her hair and to hug her and remind her that she is wanted.... 😔

Those children were wonderful in every way..so well mannered, so adorable. I saw a writing on their board with some questions.. Maybe some lady/therapist comes it seems 1) What makes you really happy 2) what makes you sad. I really wonder what answers they had for these......

For them it felt another .."here you go...visitors have come..now they will smile , act all warmed up...take some photos to go put up somewhere and then leave...and we will be back to our slump"...they even asked me "are you celebrating something".....  no one there to celebrate their little moments. It was a kutty one's birthday too the next day. They ate their plate clean, washed it..put it back. So many children are there like this around... somehow every time I recall these moments, I tell myself and I will tell myself

I may not have somethings..(I know what Im referring to)....but thats ok.  I have MORE THAN enough

I hope these moments have left some impression in my chikki....who I am so confident, will grow up to be an amazing boy

My chikki cleared school round for Bhagwad Gita competition and is into the district level ! Awesome da kanna..you are just amazing. May God Bless you...

Here'a video of what you learnt - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCJnYvYnAmY&feature=shared

You also tell me the cutest things da....2-3 days cook did not come......you came into kitchen while I was making frankies for you and you told me..Hope things will settle from tomorrow as cook starts coming...

Love you kanna. I hope I get to be a better version of myself....

I pray God keeps you safe, healthy , a good boy and a happy one!

Mmuuaahhhh

Mummaa loves you!!

My dear boy...u will be a fine man one day!

There are many things that can rattle you up in a day. I go through this quite often and then end up in tears at times, with everything just accumulating in my head..thinking about things like, who will be there for me when I grow old, what companionship would I have , would I not. I feel scared at times..money definitely cant buy many things right? I of course know that, I dont run behind money ; infact I know how futile it is in moments when I dont get the support I need from people around, when I just look for someone who shares my wavelength to sit and talk, not judge me, not taunt me....lets me be who I am. and I dont find it many a time...I feel awful, but then God reminds me....of soooo many things that I have going fine in my life too while many dont have many things. So its always about- reminding oneself of HOW blessed we are and HOW many people dont have what we take for granted 

My own dad--- who lives in uncertainty every other day/night of what might come upon on the health front with my mom. 

My own mom...who is far from being ok. God knows when that sofa gets stained, when her cough kicks in, when her bladder pains, when her legs will ever stop paining.......

and so many more....why do I even need more ?My issues are petty

I have a lovely adorable son who brightens me up in so many days. He fills the void of the company I look for, of the human around whom Id like to be, of the person who is sensitive and of the person who Im certain and pray ..will grow up to be a FINE man one day

You do soo many cute things my dear one. You surprise me in ways I can never think of. You have a heart, you have a mind and above all ...a trait so missing in many...empathy. May you preserve this Gold treasure of yours.....you are BLESSED my cutie

Look at this!

Last evening, you insisted you'd come out to a brewery- I told u no- but I guess u wanted to come out to eat something. In the auto - u tried to make me feel better , after a small tiff with pappa and you kept saying, "dont worry ..see other people on the road...ur much better"..aww my cutie.. then u told me to come more inside and not get wet. When we were not allowed to come in, you had the courtesy to apologize...my ! it takes a heart chikki, to think this ..do u even know that ?!

Then we come home and I make a dinner for u..potato wrap ( I dont pride myself at all on food ! ) Yet you praised me so much , gave me such a thoughtful kiss and told me a thank you. I have seen that kuttu, every time you do realize these things, you ALWAYS say a thank you.💘 . You just rock

Then this Monday we had a bit of an argument..You did not let me use your room and then I left in a flurry to office. evening I was welcomed by this...... i cannot tell you how much Im proud ..i have so much to learn from you. Your GENEROUS with your apology and keep your little ego aside...its a gift da

And these little tit bit notes that you share asking for the phone

Or the really cutie songs that you say! 

About colleagues in my office.....

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/zsC_6Aful6w

Or your insights about thatha :) so on point !!

https://youtube.com/shorts/S1EncFaa1HE

How IMPRESSIVELY you learnt the Bhagwad Gita chapter 15, 15 slokas

and even so beautifully recited it to Balavihar aunty 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFoiC3ROwvk

Or the cute patriotic song u sang :)

https://youtube.com/shorts/rVRRbz9mGWM

and you really tried hard to get this telugu stuff. !! Keep it up da sweety pie

https://youtube.com/shorts/BYfb07SEvPM

And so responsibly you call up and inform your whereabouts 🙏

You brighten me up ! thank you. !!!!!!💛💜💚💙💖

And in imperfection lies beauty- Aug 23rd 2025

There is a beautiful saying in my office as I enter the floor where I work. It reads "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in"

Its a wonderful reminder that nothing need be perfect...nothing is and only then one shines..

This weekend was mine...for my art..for my interest ..in the perfect place I find peace and happiness in...Mumbai Music Mridangam and Me. wow. 4Ms....seems like I have found my zen of life.

I posted about this on LinkedIn and bringing the same goodness here....after all its my experience right :) 

This week has been a magical one. It had 3 of the 4Ms that define my passion :) Mumbai, Music, Mridangam [the 4th M -Marghazhi season in Chennai!]. In a day filled with demands of work and home responsibilities, these passion areas add the much needed zing to keep the rest going. Music has always been my go to and more so Carnatic Classical, which I always fallback on for energy.

One of the more important accompaniments to a Carnatic vocal concert, the mridangam has been my favourite given my love for beats and rhythm. Aside from being my birthplace, Mumbai holds a special place in my heart with Mridangam. To channel my interest I (re)started learning this art form online from my Guru Rohit Prasad, based in Mumbai, during Covid in 2020. Learning a percussion instrument online isn't easy and more so maybe not the recommended way too. But then we can't always seek an ideal route to make things happen.

Its been close to 5 years now and this August marked 25 years of my Guru’s and his peer’s journey in this art form and we celebrated it with

hashtag

#mridangarpanam. I had the honor of playing along with 23 other students in the famed halls of Shanmukhananda Sabha in Mumbai. While it was a 20 min collective rendering, it was a moment that filled my heart and is here to stay.

Why do I post this here? Well no good reason, but maybe gratitude? Maybe because there are many reasons behind why ‘we show up’ daily and to pay it back with a huge thanks to my Guru Rohit Prasad for enabling this one.

For, giving me an opportunity to play live on stage right in the front row, very well knowing it was my 1st time, having played online the last 5 yrs

For, that word of encouragement every other weekend when I attend classes without practice after a long exhausting week, telling me “ Don't worry- the fact that you turn up for class is good enough” or “Your finger placements have improved” or “Ho jayega, tension math lo”

Thank you sir 🙏 and to my family Mala Raj CLMP Raj Raman @Jaya who were part of my moment. And to Harish Krishnan, for encouraging Mumbai rain updates and tips to conquer imperfections while playing :)

The icing on the cake was a photograph with Carnatic stalwarts Malladi Brothers and a compliment on how I played.These memories make it all worthwhile!

A snippet https://lnkd.in/gwdjV-MX

Coverage in Mumbai’s Local news channel https://lnkd.in/gDxKiQwP

To a GRATEFUL and GREAT-FUL start 2025

It feels like this year went by really fast ! 2024..... but most often we say this ..and then the next year comes and then the next..... life goes by and eventually we realise there is no different LIFE..that we need /are waiting for..THIS IS it.....

2024 has been good to me... I have had my job intact, infact got an elevated role at work...my son has grown more emotionally mature, my parents are with me, touch wood and they are doing fine...we bought a new car ...I was able to go and spend time with Namitha in the US, had a good vacation in Tahoe...but above all a very fulfilling end to the year- November ..we raised close to 11.5 lacs from Google's donation drive for kutty Shreeram's trust 💗...and in December I had a fantastic time in Chennai listening to Marghazi concerts uninterrupted for 3 days !! So so so good !! 

                                                   @Vani Mahal. Ramakrishna Murthy

@Music Academy for Kruthi Bhatt

                                                        @Charsur w/ Ashwath Narayanan

And now to 2025

Instead of always "looking for" life to be good to me let me think of what I can do "better". Last year's post actually at the same time was good itself to serve relevant for this year- but no harm in repeating no?

a) Less time on Facebook and social media- maybe every Friday sounds ok?

b) I dont want to work myself up with office work...please God. I dont want to stress myself up and land up with a poor eyesight

c) I dont need to be "GOOD"...I need to get better. Every time let me not operate with "I will be in danger" mode at work. 

d) Your are a WHOLE- beyond work....there is so much to you as a person- So let me not try to be a version of someone else.....I AM ME...GOD MADE ME...let me be grateful for who I am

e) Let me not procrastinate....and put out tougher work for later...there is no point..what has to get done, has to.

f) Let me prioritize sleep over anything else non value adding- especially mobile phone browsing.....this is such a waste of time seriously

g) What is not in my control.....(not too tough to discern if i think a little)..let me not break my head over it. 

h) I DONT NEED to look good for someone...LET ME BE ME

i) Spiritual health over anything else .... keep time for a quiet prayer for 2 min atleast every day

j) 20 Surya Namaskarams every day to start 

Om sri Chinmaya sadguru ve Namah

I am my biggest reminder

God & Daddy Good morning!

Thank you for giving me everything that I have and for blessing me with so much of abundance. As I look to start another day let me remind myself of a few things

- Let me not open every email wondering if someone is going to catch that "I am not good enough"

- Because, perfecting myself is not the aim...but..bettering myself is

- Life is so unpredictable we know--- remind myself- from lessons around- my mom did not ask for MS, neither did Vijay ask for PD. We are all walking every minute towards our final calling and none of this will matter eventually....and STILL we screw this second and minute up with wants, desires and stress

- Everything happens for a reason and its God's will. It doesnt mean He makes us lazy and demotivated- but we are allowing ourselves to do that

- Let me put the blessings I get out of my job above my ego at every moment

1. My parents medical bills are taken care of
2. Im able to go out and buy something or spend without much thought
3. Im able to be generous to those who help me
4. I have the ability to stay in a house of my own

- All of this is going to end..............

Let me die with no frustration...it almost feels I know I will die only 30 yrs or whatever later...Do we know when we are going to ?? No right !?

Spend time in

- Music

-Prayer

- My duties without ATTACHING myself to it

Let me be grateful. Earning whatever I do is not normal in general. God is being kind- let me be grateful and not get my ego in the way

I AM ALWAYS WORK IN PROGRESS

The blessings I have

Dear God

This week has been a different one. I was told yesterday about the new role, nothing surprising or nothing I did not know- but somewhere BEING TOLD brings some conclusion to the tentativeness....but.....in the middle of this all, that Saikat discussion still niggles..there is some itch to get that role reporting to him (again nothing so revolutionary there ! but just the fact that I was wanted by someone)...urghh...God this is called greed right... I dont know...its like being shown that carrot and then its been taken away for a bit (i hope only for a bit)... God ..let me constantly remind myself of the so many things going well...SO many...im screwing myself over unnecessarily...there is so much stress I feel in my body that it's a bit stupid and exhausting..and all this for what????? Really ....

No one will come to my rescue

No one will even really care if Im unwell, sick, or absent

Why am I screwing personal relationships at home?

Which takes me to, the big argument yesterday morning...that I dont agree to that, that I dont make coffee soon enough , I need to be repeatedly told .....It just keeps reminding me of 'something not enough'....but Im also giving the permission to feel that way. 

I met that old man and lady couple in the building last evening and oh boy! were they not irritated with their families...disappointed..annoyed at their upbringing....Im happy I was able to bring in some cheer...

Which takes me to...who really is happy?? Content rather....happy with themselves.. Why is there ALWAYS a "I am not enough" syndrome within me...always looking for perspective to fill myself up and for someone to keep reminding me, that Im good, im the best...sick !

IF EVERY aspect of my life is a MEASURE OF HOW BETTER I am THAN someone else...its a terrible life...as per what Sadhguru was saying too...

and then last evening my kuttu continues to surprise and show me kindness with this 💕💝

Kuttu's musings!

 His observations this morning 😘😍💖

"Mumma..How come Girija periammai is rich, while we are not" ; A few days ago he had told the same about Anu periammai..and I asked him, why does he think she is rich. He said, "because she has a big house..it has stairs inside and all..a fancy car.." 😆

"Mumma, when we are younger age difference matters, after we grow old it doesnt...like when Arjun and me are adults, he cant boss over me like he does these days" 🤣

"Mumma i think im kinda waiting more for Anu periammai to come than Girija periammai..but GP is kinda old no"

and then this video pops up from when he is young...look at him not answer at the school point. !! 

Gratitude reminder

So many good things gone by this week.

It started with Sunday. Celebrated Renuka cook's son's birthday and I was so touched by so many gestures

a) She so generously prepared so much food to eat- such a small house but such a big heart

b) There was so much cheer and happiness in her face despite water not coming frequently ; a possibility of TV snapping off given connection will depend on her internet bandwidth ; an owner who sits on her head and doesnt allow her to fill water

c) She having 3 children to take care off with a husband who left her and went

Such is life...... we cant decide what cards we are dealt with, but how we deal with them will make all the difference

I was immensely pleased with my kuttu's gesture too in her house. so so understanding, observant of everything around. I cant be more grateful of the 'gentleman' he is growing up to be. God bless you my dear. My you ALWAYS have a big heart and a kind mind...this is grossly lacking in our world today. We need more of you....Im so happy I have you in my life. 

Aside this, one of my cherished moments ..clearing my bank loan within about 2 years. Im immensely grateful to God and my parents and to a selfless husband who encouraged me to keep paying it off. I know God none of this I carry above- this is all material...but it gives me some bit of self worth and financial freedom perhaps and above all just a reminder that soooo many things are going well in my life. 

a) I have a house which I could repay a loan of within 2 years

b) My parents are alive!

c) I have a sister who cares so much

d) The best-est gift of my life is healthy, a good boy and above all kind in all respects

e) I am healthy and I have whatever it takes to have a healthy life

God let me not be petty

Let me embrace change- if I have to die anyways...let me die effectively..not due to frustration & depression

Let me STOP this pursuit of wanting to be correct & liked by people...WHO THE HELL WILL CARE if Im not around..these people wont....let me not lose my health around them at all

God pls keep me grounded and in check

Daddy I love you a lot

Love you my dear Kuttu

Kuttaa.....

I cannot tell you how much you mean to me...you said the sweetest things to me today..more than what any news should upset me. ...Today was another so called big day for changes to be announced at work...I received an email in the morning saying potential org changes would happen, folks impacted would be told in 1:1s.....you read that email and while I was leaving to office hugged me and said Om Sri Chinmaya Sadguru ve namah.... I was sooo impressed kanna...

And the icing on the cake was....in the evening as soon as you got home I see this 

How Kutta....your so considerate for your age..your far far emotionally richer than I am..May that be your biggest strength when you grow up too raja....nothing else matters...God Bless you. Im touched beyond words.... You have made me successful than any role could.......

Thank you God...ever grateful

 Dear God

This is yet another day, another blessing that you have given me, reminding me that Im alive and healthy and happy because of all that you have bestowed upon me. Let all these reorg, announcements, changes whatever....not rattle me. I believe until now EVERYTHING, every single thing has happened with reason....there is no good bad..there are only lessons learnt and reflections and pure gratitude that whatever I am getting I receive it with open palms. 

God make me a stronger person , unfazed by this. Let me be accepting , graciously whatever I am to get...given that is what I deserve. 

My mother did not ask for multiple sclerosis at the age of 34

My father did not ask to be a caretaker , stress bearer all his life

My uncles and aunts did not ask for death

and so much more God........You have given me enough and more evidence that what has to happen will. The only thing I want you to keep a check for me on, is ...am I doing enough ...am i doing MY part and my duty. Please keep me honest 

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from all evil .......

Love you God...Love you Daddy